( silent ABYSS of despair ) ( version 03 ) beyond the invisible [entries|friends|calendar] Elenuvien Firelle [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[vampire chronicles] [07 May 2008|12:24am] [ mood | dirty ] i'm reading vampire chronicles. LESTAT. it's so fucking sexy i don't think i'll be able to focus on my exams and books for english literature studies. vampires win everything over right now. btw, we spent 12 hours SITTING at home, in the living room, doing nothing. god, saves us. ok, me and ewa were reading and gosia... filling time? 2 comments|post comment

[:D!] [05 May 2008|06:50pm] [ mood | okay ] [ music | Sugababes - Denial ] WRITTEN YESTERDAY: living with someone takes away your personal freedom. cuz even if you're a very outgoing person who loves to have fun/spend time with people, you still can be a loner. i'm a loner at home. at home i want to be left alone and not bothered. so yeah, i'll keep on complaining about that a lot. A LOT. code geass r2 episode 5... kills. omg, suzaku, i love you so, so much!!! you turned into the exact badass i wanted you to be, no more no less. two-faced jerk. it's interesting, i can't see in which direction this show will go, how it'll end. good for lelouch? bad for lelouch? since the characters there are neither black or white, it's hard to decide on "good ending". who's the REAL bad guy? emperor? suzaku? (but he still has an excuse) lulu? (but he still has an excuse) ah, i love this show. and i love how gino loves suzaku ♥ my summer finals are coming in big steps and i haven't done a thing yet. and before finals we'll have lots of smaller tests/exams. i'm afraid i might lose my perfect grades simply because i'm too lazy and don't have the motivation for it. yesterday we were partying till 3am. excluding some fucktards i "caught", i wrote a note in my cellphone: i feel lonely at party hm? WRITTEN TODAY: my older kitty's reaction to sparrows is... just AWESOME. she waves her tail in sharp and quick moves and.. well... it's neither meow or hiss, it's like she's gritting her teeth and meowing while hissing. she looks hungry XD;; my washing machine gives off WEIRD sounds. with three girls at home breakdown is a catastrophe. and maybe the water on my neighbour's ceiling wasn't exactly broken pipe... *in panic* 2 comments|post comment

[...] [02 May 2008|12:51am] [ mood | confused ] gosh, my life is undergoing some major changes. i'm not sure whether i like it or not. ewa and gosia moved in with me. well, we're in the middle of moving their luggage and, honestly, i have no bloody idea where we'll fit all of their belongings. NO IDEA. but gosia happily agreed. cats are also a little problem but she says it's not. we'll see. i'm afraid electricity usage will go up to heaven and me and dad will bankrupt even with ewa and gosia's rent. it's just... different lifestyles. me and dad are crazy about saving electricity and i don't want to sound like a cheap snob who goes around complaining so i keep silent. but, first time having flatmates like that, i'm super nervous. also, my time with computer, anime, manga, yaoi... will drop. cuz what? i can't close myself in my room and pretend i'm not here.i really love them but being so used to my lifestyle, to my tempo, activities, etc, it's hard to imagine some change. but we'll see. i must start nagging to them how, at home, i'm a loner and it's like i'm invisible so they shouldn't mind. but whoa, it's just... interesting. have to get up around 6am tomorrow just to go to hospy and help my dad clean his ass. i can't wait! *sighs* i know i shouldn't be but i'm already tired of this and, even though i worry, living without dad was very comfortable. that's why my mixed feeling about girls, cuz i LOVE to be left alone at home. post comment

[hohoho] [30 Apr 2008|12:53am] [ mood | chipper ] gosia's sleeping over and taking my computer for her own use. well, i don't mind. somehow i'm so busy these days i turn compy on and still do nothing. it's uni --> hospital --> outing --> sleep. i'm almost a guest at my own home. but i'll try to find some time tomorrow. gotta catch up on code geass~! in next episode suzaku comes back <3<3 ps. i don't mind anyone sleeping over or spending days at my place but... somehow i still feel uneasy. i guess i'm like a cat. invading my own space and i'm... not so good. i love her but i'd like to be alone more. dunno, where does it come from? besides, animals at home ARE a problem when someone comes >_ post comment

[hate note] [28 Apr 2008|11:21pm] [ mood | sad ] i hate her, hospitals, world, everything. late calls from dad. i hate it all. right now. i hate studies, i hate life. i'll probably love half of that tomorrow but today i hate it to the point i want to puke. 2 comments|post comment

[dad, friends, quizzes] [23 Apr 2008|10:48pm] [ mood | relaxed ] so many, many things happened. my dad's stable but not better. they can't calm his blood pressure as he doesn't react to any medicine. both me and my aunt are getting kind of sceptical but we're not doctors - we can't really know. i guess it's only natural for us to want everything faster. i'm visiting him daily, i already know the son and husband of some lady in bed next to dad's. i'm abusing doctors, i hate this hospital, i hate going there not knowing what to expect, what will i see at the place. fear and anxiety is driving me crazy everytime i go to see him. 'cuz it's still not good. it's not getting worse but also not getting better. because of the situation, mom is temporally living with me. she cleaned the whole apartment, lol. i wouldn't have done it in million years so i'm grateful but, to be honest, i want her out of home as soon as possible. because five days was her maximum without alcohol. though i still have some things i need from her so i'll keep her with me till the end of week. and see how things progress. oh! but one nice thing: old friend of my parents', p. mariola, came yesterday saying she had just learned about the situation and if i need any money, any help, she'd give it to me. of course i won't ask but it was nice. small things make you the happiest. i've learned something about my friend that makes me wonder about her mind's quality. she chose a... girfriend i didn't want. huh, maybe she changed? or maybe my taste's off? anyway, ewa, gosia and brydzia are helping me a lot. i love, love, love them so much. on friday, when i was in awful state, after the breakdown of dad, they were there for me. days later too. and later. and i spend wonderful time with them. going to the party tomorrow, gosia's having bday! yay, i hope we'll have lots of fun ♥ without dad, nero is bored and pissing me off. kittens are probably lonely~ ( some quizzes from long, long ago... ) 3 comments|post comment

[from bad to worse.] [18 Apr 2008|02:51pm] [ mood | crushed ] hating this world currently. it was fine this morning. he went to lubling for some examinations and they turned out pretty good. but when we returned to chelm, he was moved to intensive care unit, was given papmers and he didn't recognise my aunt - his sister. i couldn't go to see him. major breakdown. his blood pressure was 244/150, they say it's because of that. but... jesus. i'm not negative but i'm scared. hopefully i'll have the strength to see him this evening. hopefully. what's even worse is that we're keeping it all away from grandma or she'd join him on the sickbed. we just dunno how long we can play this. 1 comment|post comment

[yeah, karma] [17 Apr 2008|10:52pm] [ mood | sad ] you know, i'm the blessed one who is always lost at hospital. this means, i haven't had the chance to get familiar with it. and it's true. other than coming to see some doctors, i've been to hospital only once, visiting my grandma. and i was perfectly okay with it, it's not like i have to know such awful places. so why do i have to get familiar with it? today, my dad had cerebral hemorrhage (or howver it's called, blood leaked to his brain) and is now hospitalised. it started innocently. i woke up, started to prepare for uni. dad woke up as well, i didn't pay much attention to him, just our usual morning. then he called my aunt to come and give him some pills for blood pressure. she gave. he wanted to go to see his doc but he couldn't therefore he called an ambulance but refused to go to hospital. before lessons, i walked him to the clinic and left him. then i skipped english literature and didactics and went home, called that but he, sounding strange, told me he was waiting at hospital for someone. i told him i'd call him later. but he was faster; having small problems with articulation, he said he was hospitalised and to bring him his pajamas. i thought it was only something small, like usual for people with blood pressure's troubles. but it wasn't. something broke and leaked the blood to his brain. good thing is that he acts only as he'd be dizzy, not on a verge of losing his mind or body functions. but they still don't know the cause. it might be stress, blood pressure or some kind of aneurysm. for the last, we're going to lublin to check tomorrow. i hope. the fater the better. awful thing: my... strength? i don't know, but after i cried some time, i came home and.. felt nothing. maybe because it's still kind of surreal? maybe because it's only first night in empty flat. i'm not even scared. yet. other strange thing is that i have the need to tell it to everyone. deep inside me i know why and it disgusts me. nie mam pojęcia, jak jest "wylew" i "udar mózgu" po angielsku. ktoś wie? btw, my cd rom just disappeared by itself so i might go mia again. fuck. 4 comments|post comment

[ZE = death out of frustration] [15 Apr 2008|08:27pm] [ mood | enraged ] story of a fangirl: 1) jesus, mother, jesus! 2) booklet ZE from the new drama cd (featuring my moriya and ryuusei)! 3) ryuusei & moriya!!! 4) i knew it'll be out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 5) but i still don't believe... 6) jesus' mother i think i'll die. 7) it seems to be 10mb big but it's probably short. 8) i'm even afraid to look how many pages it has. 9) firstly i'll read "gravity eyes" 8 and "light & shadow" 5-6. 10) and then i'll probably die. 11) my feet got sweaty because of all that nervousness. 12) i don't expect ANYTHING, because in the end it's MY pairing so they don't have sex and leave in religious and modest way. 13) i wonder if one can day like that, because of yaoi manga. 14) and the fact that in a second i'll vomit from overeating spaghetti doesn't matter anymore. 15) so does the fact that i still don't have the fourth part of robinson. 16) but the fact that dad came back home RIGHT NOW is just to make me mad. 17) TODAY IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL DAY OF MY LIFE. 18) I TAKE IT BACK. why can't i have at least one more sex scene with them????????????????? that's how i act with anything ryuusei & moriya related. i'm super mad now, moriya only sucked ryuusei, yuki shimizu HATES me. i wonder if she's some old friend of mine whom i hurt in the past. if it's like that then, shimizu-sensei: I'M SORRY. post comment

[...] [14 Apr 2008|11:32pm] [ mood | grumpy ] i cut my nails T___T they were surprisingly in an awesome state but i wanted to cut them, give them a break (= no polishing) and wait till they regrow. but again, after weeks and weeks of 1cm nails, with 1mm nails i feel naked. but, honestly, they have their advantage which i'll cover with sweet silence and reveal only when drunk XD i really, really don't feel like going to uni tomorrow. because my prof is awesome i didn't have any lessons/lectures today so 4 days long weekend spoiled me. and i skipped most of things on thursday too so it's like 5 days. add to that awesome weekend and i'll have to force myself to wake up at 6am for some stupid german lecture. i'll nap or read a book, not like i understand a thing she says anyway. but tomorrow i should have results from writing test. it was shit but i couldn't think about anything. oh well. ( awesome weekend ) code geass. code geass. code geass. it's AWESOME. suzaku, i knew it'd be worth loving you for that you turned to be fucked up bad boy <3333333 BTW, MOMMIE!!!!!!! poke me in my comments, poke me, poke me, poke me.... 9 comments|post comment

[useless blah] [11 Apr 2008|05:14pm] [ mood | bouncy ] how can one a t-shirt at own home? i guess it's possible since i did it. as well as losing 50zł. and 50zł for me ia a lot. but i'm not going to be bothered by it, deep in me i believe my dad took it since now, when i control his credit card, he doesn't have any money for beer. screw him, old fart. i got my mood back, i think the sudden and annoying slump is gone. going to party. yeah, PARTY. when i'm still young, pretty, strong and able to. YEARGH. ( party song ) i don't like new code geass that much, i can't wait when i got to katowice, i'm looking for a job, i'm preparing for juwenalia, i failed one exam because i turned in blank page. it's so warm outside :) ♥ 4 comments|post comment

[back...?] [08 Apr 2008|04:29pm] [ mood | pissed off ] ok, i have my computer back. mainboard died. with repairing costs... i'm so fucking broken i want to cry my ass out. oh well. so, i'm half back. only half, cuz my fan is SO LOUD i'm afraid it'll break and my computer will boom. but nice guys from services said it's ok. i don't believe them. :( catching up is so fucking crazy, i feel... discouraged? 2 comments|post comment

[:(] [01 Apr 2008|02:55pm] [ mood | frustrated ] i feel horribly unloved. so unloved. too unloved. i miss muraki, the service isn't calling, i'm scared. i've got no money, i'm suing my mother, my father wants to pay me everything and all in all, world is shit. mr. driver annoys me. but, there's something good out there. i went with gola to K2, it's expensive. but the music was good, we danced, we found guys, i had fun and it helped me to shake the stress away. though now i'm back to reality, having 0 text tomorrow which i might be not allowed to take, having many tests next week and, like i said, i'm so unloved (but it doesn't make me sad?) i'm rereading HP books but i can't find 6th volume anywhere. i miss yaoi, i might actually stop liking it. and koi isn't answering my messages. boo! i wonder, how are you guys~? 2 comments|post comment

[i'm still computerless] [28 Mar 2008|02:49pm] [ mood | chipper ] ok, so i'm at uni again, shamelessly using it for my m&a check. just check. i want yaooooooooi! being bored out of my mind without computer, i had harry potter marathon. anyone watched HP5? i was "O____O" like, wtf? thoughts (SPOILERS): - 5th part (movie) is sucking) - actors playing fred and george are getting old in ugly way - actor playing lupin doesn't look like uke and it's scary when i think he was uke for leonardo dicaprio in "total eclipse". wow. - i want more HP movies - the thing about harry and cho was... out of nowhere? - TOO MANY THINGS CHANGED!!!!!!! - wow @ how they frenched. wasn't that supposed to be a movie for kids? - ron is after voice change!!! i could listen to him non stop *__* - i want to have children with snape - i don't like how they created arthur, ron's father - there wasn't anything about hospital, FAILURE - cho betrayed them?!?!?!?!?! - i want to see ron without t-shirt (his body seems yummy) - luna is gorgeous!!!!!! i'm loving her - they fucked up the prophecy big time, like the whole movie oh and i watched eragon. ewww, i watched it only for murtagh but there was almost no murtagh and if he was there he was smiling too much. where's my image of cold bishounen? i wonder if they'll make more movies? HMMM. the weather is awesome. sun, 16C, no wind. i did huge shopping in second hands and i have so many shirts now! i chose two because of the text: "FUCKING BIG TITS" and the other "there's no man who can afford me" XDDD i want my computer back. ps. it's just a small thought but maybe i should set up a bank account and people would give me dollars for my new computer..? XD sometimes such stupid/brave ideas work. sometimes. post comment

[catastrophe] [27 Mar 2008|12:38pm] [ mood | crushed ] ok, to make things short: MY COMPUTER HAS DIED. suddenly. i'm out of my mind, in fear, whether i'll lose all my data on HD or not. if i do - i'm gonna jump out of the window since i don't have any back ups. 40GB worth of data i've collected over years. i want to cry. my computer is in the services now but i don't want to hold any hopes. it's better to be positively surprised than negatively. and if it dies, i won't come back anytime soon. there's just no money to buy anything else. life is fucked up, miss my computer like i'd miss my leg or two. miss you guys :( loki_niflheim and aurenfaie, i love you guys. you know why. i love having many icons and the bag is absolutely wonderfl. i'm not worth any of this ;__; p.s. and this fucking thing happened NOW. when code geass R2 is starting in less than a week. know me, shit happens all the time. 9 comments|post comment

[LJ shit] [20 Mar 2008|11:00am] [ mood | enraged ] to anyone who knows about the LJ shit that's been goin' on: i'm afraid to log out. cuz i'm on a basic account, does it mean that i'll not able to log back in? or if i switch to, er, not paid account but the one between basic and paid ("rozszerzone"), will i be able to switch back to basic account? what a fucking shit. i'm glad i have my account on insane journal =____= siguś (perfectassassin), you're paying, right? how much does it cost? how often do i have to pay? HOW can i pay? (if i don't have credit card). cuz i'm really attached to LJ and, as well as other things, i might use the opportunity of dollar being cheap and spend my money for underwear on LJ. 'cuz yes, LJ starts to be for people with money. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ fuck it. 4 comments|post comment

[music rant] [18 Mar 2008|10:48pm] [ mood | nervous ] do you guys sometimes have it? a song that holds part of your life? a song that you hear and automatically see the surroundings, see the past? i do. there are some songs i was listening to long time ago, years ago. and when i now play them i have tears in my eyes. it all comes back, the imagery of everything around me from when i was listening to it. it's such a wonderful thing, like a keeper, like a diary. i can smell the rainy summer, the fresh grass, i can see the night outside my window, the full moon, the calmness of everything at 3am... what was then? probably closterkeller. "violette"... oh god, oh god, hold my heart tightly for it'll break. this song, amazing song, was around me when i was drawing on my bed, when i was still friends with ruda, when i was still buying kawaii, when it was summer, when the sunset slipped through the window to my room, when i was young and everything was sparkling, fascinating and i was almighty. awesome, awesome. i see, feel, hear it all. it's like a timemachine. amorphis "alone". why am i so sensitive? why do i cry for god's sake? this song is from my cassette, same one where katatonia "passing bird" and opeth "the drapery falls" are. epic compilation. one of my first trips to warsaw, from junior high. i was sitting with angelika. it was night, we were going back, 12am. darkness everywhere, the feeling of going somewhere, moving, exploring. it's something indescribable that blooms in your heart, that allows me to sit hours at the bus and watch landscapes change. and back then, i was feeling all this accompanied by "alone" which now is in my hands again. so long. at time like that i wonder... am i a realist or romanticist? btw. OMG!!!!!! up until now my internet was crap. my maximum speed was 60kb/s but since i hate changing providers i let it go. suddenly today, my speed is above 3ookb/s o__O at the same time i get the notices i didn't pay, lol. i'll, after easter (hopefully). so i downloaded bunch of useless junk just to look at the awesome transfer XD oh gosh, either it's a sign of cutting down to 3kb/s or cutting me off completely. cuz i can't believe in such miracles ;__; 2 comments|post comment

[pandora's box talk] [11 Mar 2008|11:02pm] [ mood | content ] hm, i lost a few days to demian syndrome and silver diamond (your fault, bosska_ak! XD) if someone's interested, i've uploaded volumes 1-5 of scanlated "silver diamond". i love both of the titles and i hope someone will really continue them. otherwise my dear luxie will be constantly bothered with questions of translations, hehehe. i love the weather. it makes me feel refreshed. lighter coat, sport shoes, scarf, sunglasses and the smell of change. i need to take a walk someday, it's just a pity not to since it's so wonderful outside. i'm strangely calm. even though i didn't do the homework for tomorrow. maybe i'll skip it at girls' house? oh god, seems like nothing can shake me today. and i finally visited this awesome coffee shop, the coffee and atmosphere there made me cry. AWESOME. hm, now just to let my nails dry~ edit: notes about demian and silver; - luxie has told me that azuma is acting like a jerk, meaning, not doing ANYTHING after, well, spoiler: raping his uke. oh well. nonetheless, it looks intense. - shiba and sakurai are getting it on. i bet my nails on it. (those two seniors) - chigusa from demian is love and i need some awesome background story about him. - SILVER DIAMOND VOLUME 13 RAWS ARE UP AND SUMMARIES AS WELL. OH GOD. GOD SAVE ME BUT HOSHI WILL BE VOICING MY DEAR GINO IN CODE GEASS R2!!!!!!!!!!! WHY T______________T i need to write about: 1. that i dunno what i want. 2. art reflections. 3. rafał. 8 comments|post comment

[english issue] [07 Mar 2008|11:48pm] [ mood | silly ] there are a few thins about english i'll never understand or remember. NEVER. like: which is right: • i know what are they saying. • i know what they are saying. kill me but even if i'm explained this 543656546 of times, i forget. inversion or not? or maybe it depends on the context? i dunno. i was QCing something now, translated by someone GOOD at english, (lux144, you? XD) and she used inversion. WH-question - verb - subject. and i have a note from my grammar course that it should be WH-question - subject - verb, 'cuz there's no inversion after WH-Q. i'm lost. i'll forget it anyway, so why do i bother? <-- omg, so there IS inversion, looking at the phrase "why do i bother" i wrote automatically. GAAAH, i'm going sleep. 13 comments|post comment

[BECK] [05 Mar 2008|08:10pm] [ mood | pensive ] k, writing a note before i get too lazy to do it again. that reminds me i forgot to do laundry. fuck. BECK. has anyone seen the anime or read manga of this? it's awesome, beyond words. recently, i've been wasting day after day on rereading it over and over again. i can't stop, i can't focus on anything else and i want MOAR. the word "moar" made me think about saiGAR. why the hell did it get suspended?! the tale of koyuki, taira, chiba, ryuusuke and saku bring tears to my eyes, excitement and make my blood boil. it's about a rock band that tries to go through all sorts of troubles to become popular. it's pretty real, full of hardships but also has some unimaginable surprises and coincidences. but what's the most awesome is the feeling this manga gives. feeling of my life when i was 14-16. rock'n'roll, freedom, stupidity, carelessness, dreams, the taste of being young. going around with guitar, meeting up at park with friends, wearing worn-out t-shirts and old jeans, listening to awesome music with deeper meaning. it's kind of lost now. but i won't write anything sour about that now, i wouldn't be able to stop. so, coming back to BECK; they are young people who hang around rock pubs and clubs, go to the concerts, struggle throurgh their lives and think about everything just like people listening to cool guitar riffs can. i miss it. and BECK brings it back to me. even if it's soundless, i can hear them in my head. and i hope it ends well, i hope koyuki won't quit his band and go solo. it's not for him. btw, anime is ok too but it ends way too fast. TOO FAST. and the music isn't all that awesome, koyuki's voice is great but not breathtaking, so... it's just like a nice addition to the manga, nothing more. btw 2. i think here, you can read the manga. tomorrow nte about other things, HO HO HO. (or no, if i go drinking, orz) edit: I CAUGHT UP ON BECK RAWS AND OH MY GOD, MY EXCITEMENT REACHED HEAVEN AND ABOVE, JESUS, I WISH I KNEW WHAT THEY ARE SAYING!!!! 3 comments|post comment

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