| ( silent ABYSS of despair ) ( version 03 ) beyond the invisible |
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| [lovu, lovu.] |
[07 Dec 2009|11:41pm] |
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 crazy |
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HAIGAKURA!!!! TENKOU!!!!! <333
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| [ihatethetitledearly.] |
[04 Dec 2009|10:03pm] |
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mood |
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 thirsty |
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♥ today i felt pretty o/
aaaaand, i deleted ikoku no romantan anime. i deleted yaoi anime. AGAIN. oh god, i hope new ai no kusabi and sex pistols will be good. speaking of the latter, i CAN'T wait. for my fav pairing, yonekuni x shiro <3 i hope they don't screw up all that angst. please, i know you, japanese animators, hate BL but please ;__;
highly recommended: piano no mori. i know it was good because i couldn't stop watching and i made only one pause, forced actually. usually i can't keep still and watch without pausing so if i don't it means i find it good or even better. and this movie WAS GOOD. i was curious, i awaited what happens next, i as excited and worried, damn, i even cried. beautiful movie. ah. that's why i love good japanese cartoons (and fuck off anyone who says anime isn't a cartoon. cartoon is cartoon. it's a type, way of production, not some damn nationality-belonging-definition. a book is a book, doesn't matter if written in kanji or arabic letters. geez.) mhrrr, more movies like that <3 AND THERE'S MANGA!!!! i'm so excited!!
ANGST 'N EMO BITS:
we're going to have bachelor's party in may. i was actually looking forward to it. even though i don't really click with people at uni. even though i don't have a partner. even though i'll have nothing to eat there (not veggie friendly). even though i don't have any dress. even though i can't drink. even though sm might make me unable to handle it. but i was still kind of happy. but hell, people don't want to go. ok, it's a bit expensive for poor students, 220pln. and then i started to think if i should go. what would i do there? with who? how? geez. i'm down.
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| [bunch of stuff.] |
[03 Dec 2009|11:21pm] |
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mood |
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 chipper |
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* lol, i have 21 "holes" in my brain. and for SM that's A LOT. it's strange to sit, walk and do everything without any change but with the knowledge that i have holes in my head. wow?
* today i looked at my movies folder. untouched, virgin-like folder. i ignored it for months? YEAS? and i watched dark knight. it was worse than the beginning but it was okay. i was tooootally all over dent even though i'm a fan of christian bale. he, as batman, was... barely okay. he was invisible. and of course, joker. awesome role, awesome actor. oh god, how sad that he's dead. i hope next movie will be good. i'm hard to please so it's just a wishful thinking.
* newest one republic's album, "waking up" is awesome. it's soft rock with bits of iceland's rock and maybe a little bit of progressive? but not only. i love it <3
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* id didn't go to my seminar, AGAIN. i'm pushing my luck, seriously. next week, no matter what, i'm there.
* in errie queerie uke should be HASUNUMA. and seme MITSUO. i'd give many things to see it ♥
* went to see knee specialists today. and wow, guy was great. first time in 10? 11? years someone actually LOOKED at my x-rays. he looked and saw. i thought i'd jump on him and push him down since he was kinda cute and touuuched me *sweats*. so he found a problem that might be there or might not (just my build) and finally gave a solution. well, more like something to try. no arthroscopy, he told me to wait as it can be dangerous. so, yeah. i love him. LOVE. he E X P L A I N E D everything. but... what he told me to get are three injections, each 150pln and since they go into knee it's hard to find anyone who'd do it so i'd have to go back to him and pay for each injection. so 3 x 50pln. that is 600pln total. i need to start selling my body, srsly.
* today i've read last chapter of kizuna. i like this series but i've never found it exceptionally good (well, maybe masa x kai and guns'n'roses part <3) but damn. i had tears in my eyes when i saw "the end". it's always this awful feeling when a long running series ends. something close to... loneliness, i guess. what happens to them later? how do they live their lives? do they maintain contact? it hurts (yeah, i'm that sensitive).
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| [animu.] |
[02 Dec 2009|12:01am] |
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mood |
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 weird |
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music |
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One Republic - All The Right Moves |
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first it was this:
this meant craziness for me and koi. then it was 2 years of fucking waiting. and lusting after THE BOY. and after music. and everything else (handmade animation ;____;!). then cencoroll movie was FINALLY out. then months later i F I N A L L Y downloaded. today i watched. and. i'm disappointed. it was still unique and awesome but... trailer wasn't really a trailer, scenes from there weren't used and... that hurts the most. the scene of boy - tetsu, being "loaded" in cenco was... OMG. and there's nothing like that in the actual movie. or "movie" as it's 25 minutes long. but it's still the first time in a looong time what kept me watching without one pause. and that means something. but i wish i it'd be longer. AND EXAPLAIN ANYTHING. funny thing is that the length doesn't stop me from fangirling over tetsu. TETSUUUU <3 in the end there are some emo boys i love.
and then dad came from the first SM meeting in our city, threw reality into my face and SM, suddenly, became hard to handle. whatever. going to make an icon.
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| [useless post] |
[29 Nov 2009|11:28pm] |
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mood |
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 excited |
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day has too little hours.
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[21 Nov 2009|08:34pm] |
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i want to go back to hospital. i feel the need to talk to other sick people or to someone around me. about SM, sickness, smth. to joke, to laugh. no one is interested. and i'm at the point when i'm trying to figure out where is my place in all this.
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| [back.] |
[20 Nov 2009|08:55pm] |
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getting used to reality without meds and i.vs. to lack of doctors. even just five days can change something.
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| [from hospital.] |
[18 Nov 2009|02:00pm] |
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mood |
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 gloomy |
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i found internet at hospy XD success. i want to watch new house episode but i think i'll survive till friday when they freeee me.
honestly, if i didn't talk too much i wouldn't end up here. but there was smth going on with my left side and my doc, after some consultation decided to keep me here for 5 days under steroids i.v. they're stronger than those in pills for i had and wow, after 2 days they're working. on everything but my eye but oh well. from other sm-peers i know that i can be blind for a year and then see again. this evironment is depressing yhet not, i learn many things from others who have lived with this shit for 10-20 years. they're in different staters; weaker than me or even stronger. sm is so unpredictable. counting the days till wheelchair when... you don't know even IF. oh well.
made some friends, lol. from different departments, with different sicknesses. when we go to the 5th floor to smoke we share our problems, experiences and compare what we have. it's... fun. it is fucking fun. if you have to live with it why not make it fun? fun, ignore or go and kill yourself. there was a very nice guy, lawyer, who year ago had to switch to wheelchair. he's got the strongest form of sm. he can't live with it. just can't. he's like his own shadow. i wonder how will i look in a year or two. will i maintain my ignorance?
but what amazed me the most: a few people with parenteal nutrition. one of the fucking most positive i've met. and yet i think they have it harder than me. AMAZING.
on the other side, in my room there's a woman with myasthenia gravis. also auto-immu like mine but without attacking brain (in her case it's smth wit muscles). i know it's not good, sm isn't good wither but hell, she complains, talk about it, blahs and pissess the shit out of me. EVERYONE in hospy is sick and in neurological dept it's the worst? but neither me, kaisa or gosia complain. we're getting worse but we shut up. or exachange experiences (mostly like they teach me).
i wanna go home. today is my worse day after interferon and my mood went down to shit. when i think about uni, catching up, etc. i want to stay here forever. i dunno, today i dunno. yesterday i was like a waterfall of happiness. today i'm simply discouraged. not by sm. just generally.
ps. after steroids i'm like high. walk, walk, walk. can't sit and do nothing.
ps2. i can't access my friends page. it's blocked XDD my f-list is not appropiate *dies* (i should write smth like "dies" in hospy. i... don't care?).
weee.
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| [:<] |
[14 Nov 2009|12:11am] |
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mood |
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 moody |
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music |
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PJ Harvey - The Dancer (acoustic) |
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caught up with house md. catching up suxx big time. now i have to wait. and HUDDY IS RUINED. FUCK YOU, CUDDY. WHY LUCAS??? EVEN WITH HOUSE... BEING HOUSE, LUCAS IS DEFINITELY WORSE.
nuuu ;____;
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| [houseeeeeee em.diiiiiiiii.] |
[07 Nov 2009|08:49pm] |
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mood |
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 nostalgic |
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music |
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Kayah & Bregovic - Trudo kochać |
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house kissed cuddy!!!!! it totally made my day. omfg. wonderful. i strongly support them because of the ambiguity, tension and awkwardness. oh my god. i hope something will come out of it. AND I'M SO HAPPY CAMERON AND CHASE ARE TOGETHER I CAN'T BEAR IT (WELL, THEY ARE FOR NOW, MARRIAGE MEANS TROUBLE).</font>
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....
only today i have watched something like interview or behind the scenes. and i've heard ORIGINAL hugh laurie. oh my god. i love australian accent. omg. if i were a guy i'd say "i got hard" but i'm a girl so i say "i got.." yeah, we girls know what i got. *listens again*
i try not to slash wilson and house but they do everything to look like a perfect pairing. oh geez
btw, i'd NEVER want to be a doctor. it's an enormous responsibility. ENORMOUS. unless you're a heartless dick who doesn't care. then it's fine. but not for patients.
so in english speaking communities calling others by their surnames is normal. is it just poland where it's.. strange? you don't say to someone "kowalski, bring me a cup of tea" but "mr janek" or "janek". in germany it's also okay to say it, like "herr shmidt". how interesting.
why was house's 1st team (cameron, chase and foreman) better? one reason: while waiting for house to come in to the room they were scattered around it, sitting often in weird places. and that i find unbelievably cute XD
*cameron, chase and foreman walk into the room*
cameron: we have bleeding from anus.
house: everyone?
~♥!
i'm addicted to coffe.
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| [blablablabla.] |
[02 Nov 2009|12:28pm] |
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mood |
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 sore |
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i don't have anything to do on this computer. i lost shitload of anime movies yet i'm unaffected. my love for manga & anime isn't as crazy as before. it's all scary. seriously, when i think i might get bored of this stuff i'm terrified. i can't, no way. NO WAY. i want to be buried with manga in my hands.
ro changed. i had to install it with kRO not sakray and maybe because of that it's more smooth. but they ruined amatsu, whyyy. and also there are new mobs and some event going on. and where are the numbers from mvp & pvp fields? hm. ro is still fun. but only sometimes.
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my head is spinning, i'm sleepy and my sight is blurry. i'm going to start complaining about my health. yeah. why not.
i'm on a house m.d. roll. i LOVE it and it's not just house, i love them all. especially chase who's so.. so disgusting. but i love it. like with draco malfoy. thankfully i don't see any slash there although house and wilson's relationship is awesome. it's what i like probably more than slash - deep friendship between men. and i have it here ♥ anyway, house loses something when 3rd season ends and the team breaks but it's still very good. it's just that nothing can beat chase, cameron and forman together. nothing. house liked them all so much. it was cute. his awkwardness is adorable.
my life is as nijaki and boring as ever. i'm not wasting my time thinking about it. i busy worrying about my health and money. both which i don't have.
it'll take me a MONTH to sort all this damn stuff. i download TOO MUCH. why can't i delete. WHYYYYY.
ALSO..! yoneda kou's art is pretty simple. straight lines, nothing close to perfection and "overloading the panel". she knows exactly what to put and where. her semi-minimalistic art is just what i love. but, the best thing about her (aside from uber-awesome stories) is her characters' expressions. i don't know how she does it with just a few lines and some grey tones but even without context or text i could tell right away what a character is feeling. she catches it perfectly - humans' expressions - and can convey them to the readers without some flashy and shitty details and almost-like-real art. she doesn't need it. her 3 straight lines can tell more than abe miyuki's panels full of every fucking single detail (no offense, i love abe). yoneda kou is my current unquestionable guru. i wish i could force whole yaoi community to read her works.
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[27 Oct 2009|10:22pm] |
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continues being invisible.
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| [:O] |
[26 Oct 2009|09:40pm] |
i'm back. and semi happy. it's good to have compy but i hate breaks, long breaks.
and i'm switching to windows 7 anyway. i think.
back T_________T
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| [i hate computers...] |
[28 Sep 2009|06:48pm] |
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mood |
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 busy |
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music |
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Radio Zet |
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...mutually.
moriya, my computer, finally decided to show me FUCKYOU finger once and for all and it wouldn't load for 9 hours. well, not computer really, but winshit. so now i need to prepare 30gb of space and free C drive from needed stuff and... do format. it scares me. setting up all these programs again. i DON'T want to.
btw, i really, REALLY watch dr house just for slash. guess who wth who, lmao (so easy).
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| [i can't watch harry potter.] |
[24 Sep 2009|12:28am] |
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mood |
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 determined |
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i'm trying really hard to finish watching harry potter: the halfblood prince. i'm trying. even malfoy doesn't make it any easier.
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| [:D!] |
[16 Sep 2009|03:58pm] |
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mood |
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 grateful |
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dad found young pigeon that didn't learn to fly yet. he took it out of pavement to small "park" in front of our building and came home to tell me about it. i yelled at him to drop him off somewhere where there are no cars. he was already walking towards the street. dad rushed off but was too late. he couldn't run away, he couldn't fly. if only dad thought about it but no, all he can think about is how to tell me what to do and blah. i'm mad. mad. i'm so mad. it's unfair.
i wish i wouldn't think about stuff like that for hours and hours. it's not my fault. but sometimes it's my fault being human. though nature does similar things, i still think it's my fault because i'm a part of damned humanity.
the pigeon screamed. i heard it but prayed it wasn't that. it was.
- - - - - - - - - - -
yesterday was my first day of this year's practices. it wasn't bad, i was positively surprised. the teacher actually WANTED to have class and to give something to students, it wasn't just a bad thing she had to do. she was very creative, to convey the theory and exercise it she made plays, she even brought beach ball with her! she didn't simply give the answers but made students think and associate meanings. she was communicating fully in german and students understood anyway (me too, lol). comparing her to my last year one, english, she's far better. she's like a real teacher. i wish i could be like her too. though many teachers start like that they soon become empty shell doing their routine. i'm actually happy to have those damn german practices if i can see a good teacher at work.
ro.
and TODAY I GOT INVITED TO KAZIMIERZ BY A FRIEND FROM MY GROUP :D i'm so surprised, honestly, i thought i don't exist to them. omg, can't wait ♥
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| [>] |
[11 Sep 2009|01:10am] |
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mood |
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 nauseated |
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seriously, i'm a pro at peeing into the bottle. lol. and giving away my blood. i can be both blood and peeless. it's ridiculous, going to lublin just to pe. JUST TO PEE. it costs me 20pln each time. spsk4, you're a wonderful hospital, but don't fuck up anymore. it costs me, y'know.
my stomach hurts and tomorrow is beautician day. ewww.
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| [i just don't feel like it anymore, that's why.] |
[10 Sep 2009|12:45am] |
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mood |
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 indifferent |
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music |
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Radio ZET |
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aviation texts are hard. really, really hard. and the ambiguity of english, as well as lack of creativity in polish, don't help. but i learned something interesting: when there is explosive decompression and you are at least on flight level 370, fist you have to do is put on oxygen mask. helpful isn't it? me and niwa were wondering what is explosive decompression and how to know it is what it is. i came to the point where it has to BOOM. the problem is, how to know if BOOM is decompressed or not. she pointed out that we'll never know about our flight level so we might hesitate putting the masks on. pfft. sometimes translating is hilarious.
i'm totally losing interest in LJing. i wonder why.
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[01 Sep 2009|11:41pm] |
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mood |
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 frustrated |
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music |
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Myslovitz - Blue Velvet |
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i'm really not a family person but all in all, my visit wasn't half as bad as i thought it'd be. i had some massive mood swings but when my bro came i had something to do and it was fine. speaking about mood swings, it's becoming STRANGE. i mean, i'm not teenager gout through their rebellious age yet my mood changes like english weather. i think i've read somewhere that it's one of SM symptoms. or maybe it's a side effect of one of my medicine? no idea. but it's getting annoying.
today was pleasant. until i got annoyed for no reason.
recently i came back to watching anime (!!!). i watched michiko to hatchin, i love it. michiko is so sexy, animation is REALLY nice and i love the atmosphere of it. slums, gangs, dirty life. something to what i'm drawn (and some part of me wants to become a lowlife, srsly). highly recommended. i wonder how it'll end~ another anime which, after much struggling, i officially added to watchlist is tytania. it's... supposed to be boring. and i guess parts about fan ARE boring. it's supposed to be monotone as it's clearly a space opera. yet i... i just HAVE to watch episode after episode. okay, 90% of the reason for that is my shipping. damn slash, it's clearly FILLING MY HARDRIVE WITH USELESS ANIME. but i'd give my soul for one jouslain x ariabart doujinshi (btw, anyone who made up their names should be castrated). so i'm watching this stupid stuff. and today i finished shikabane hime: kuro and started shikabane hime: aka. i have no idea why do i keep on watching it. probably curiosity and it doesn't kill. we'll see for the second season.
oh and i checked out dogs ova. IT WAS SO BAD I DELETED IT AND DECIDED NOT TO DOWNLOAD MORE. I MEAN, FUCK YOU PRODUCERS, IT LOOKED LIKE A THIRD-RATE PRODUCTION AND IT MATCHED DRAMA CD I'M INCLINED TO THINK IT WAS DRAMA CD. OMG, YOU DAMNED PRODUCERS, IT'S DOGS WE'RE TALKING ABOUT NOT SOME UNKNOWN TITLE. YOU OUGHT TO DO A GOOD JOB WITH IT. i'm... disappointed. so, very, very much...
i have a pajama i want to wear as normal clothes XD it's black in dots. and to it i have long and thick socks in black and white stripes. i want to go outside like that *__*
 XD
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| [whoa!] |
[30 Aug 2009|01:28pm] |
my uncle got internet and became a nerd. i want to go home. i really feel best at home, srsly. i'm not a family person.
when i told kaasan that i'm most comfortable when i'm alone she said: wait when you'll REALLY live alone. i wonder if such time will really come.
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