( silent ABYSS of despair ) ( version 03 ) beyond the invisible

[:<]

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 23:12:09 GMT

caught up with house md. catching up suxx big time. now i have to wait. and HUDDY IS RUINED. FUCK YOU, CUDDY. WHY LUCAS??? EVEN WITH HOUSE... BEING HOUSE, LUCAS IS DEFINITELY WORSE.

nuuu ;____;

[houseeeeeee em.diiiiiiiii.]

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 19:59:23 GMT

house kissed cuddy!!!!! it totally made my day. omfg. wonderful. i strongly support them because of the ambiguity, tension and awkwardness. oh my god. i hope something will come out of it. AND I'M SO HAPPY CAMERON AND CHASE ARE TOGETHER I CAN'T BEAR IT (WELL, THEY ARE FOR NOW, MARRIAGE MEANS TROUBLE).</font>

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..
...
....
only today i have watched something like interview or behind the scenes. and i've heard ORIGINAL hugh laurie. oh my god. i love australian accent. omg. if i were a guy i'd say "i got hard" but i'm a girl so i say "i got.." yeah, we girls know what i got. *listens again*

i try not to slash wilson and house but they do everything to look like a perfect pairing. oh geez

btw, i'd NEVER want to be a doctor. it's an enormous responsibility. ENORMOUS. unless you're a heartless dick who doesn't care. then it's fine. but not for patients.

so in english speaking communities calling others by their surnames is normal. is it just poland where it's.. strange? you don't say to someone "kowalski, bring me a cup of tea" but "mr janek" or "janek". in germany it's also okay to say it, like "herr shmidt". how interesting.

why was house's 1st team (cameron, chase and foreman) better? one reason: while waiting for house to come in to the room they were scattered around it, sitting often in weird places. and that i find unbelievably cute XD

*cameron, chase and foreman walk into the room*
cameron: we have bleeding from anus.
house: everyone?
~♥!

i'm addicted to coffe.

[blablablabla.]

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 11:33:53 GMT

i don't have anything to do on this computer. i lost shitload of anime movies yet i'm unaffected. my love for manga & anime isn't as crazy as before. it's all scary. seriously, when i think i might get bored of this stuff i'm terrified. i can't, no way. NO WAY. i want to be buried with manga in my hands.

ro changed. i had to install it with kRO not sakray and maybe because of that it's more smooth. but they ruined amatsu, whyyy. and also there are new mobs and some event going on. and where are the numbers from mvp & pvp fields? hm. ro is still fun. but only sometimes.

------------

my head is spinning, i'm sleepy and my sight is blurry. i'm going to start complaining about my health. yeah. why not.

i'm on a house m.d. roll. i LOVE it and it's not just house, i love them all. especially chase who's so.. so disgusting. but i love it. like with draco malfoy. thankfully i don't see any slash there although house and wilson's relationship is awesome. it's what i like probably more than slash - deep friendship between men. and i have it here ♥ anyway, house loses something when 3rd season ends and the team breaks but it's still very good. it's just that nothing can beat chase, cameron and forman together. nothing. house liked them all so much. it was cute. his awkwardness is adorable.

my life is as nijaki and boring as ever. i'm not wasting my time thinking about it. i busy worrying about my health and money. both which i don't have.

it'll take me a MONTH to sort all this damn stuff. i download TOO MUCH. why can't i delete. WHYYYYY.

ALSO..! yoneda kou's art is pretty simple. straight lines, nothing close to perfection and "overloading the panel". she knows exactly what to put and where. her semi-minimalistic art is just what i love. but, the best thing about her (aside from uber-awesome stories) is her characters' expressions. i don't know how she does it with just a few lines and some grey tones but even without context or text i could tell right away what a character is feeling. she catches it perfectly - humans' expressions - and can convey them to the readers without some flashy and shitty details and almost-like-real art. she doesn't need it. her 3 straight lines can tell more than abe miyuki's panels full of every fucking single detail (no offense, i love abe). yoneda kou is my current unquestionable guru. i wish i could force whole yaoi community to read her works.

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 21:22:36 GMT

continues being invisible.

[:O]

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 20:41:57 GMT

i'm back. and semi happy. it's good to have compy but i hate breaks, long breaks.

and i'm switching to windows 7 anyway. i think.

back T_________T

[i hate computers...]

Mon, 28 Sep 2009 16:52:22 GMT

...mutually.

moriya, my computer, finally decided to show me FUCKYOU finger once and for all and it wouldn't load for 9 hours. well, not computer really, but winshit. so now i need to prepare 30gb of space and free C drive from needed stuff and... do format. it scares me. setting up all these programs again. i DON'T want to.

btw, i really, REALLY watch dr house just for slash. guess who wth who, lmao (so easy).

[i can't watch harry potter.]

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 22:30:47 GMT

i'm trying really hard to finish watching harry potter: the halfblood prince. i'm trying. even malfoy doesn't make it any easier.

[:D!]

Wed, 16 Sep 2009 14:12:51 GMT

dad found young pigeon that didn't learn to fly yet. he took it out of pavement to small "park" in front of our building and came home to tell me about it. i yelled at him to drop him off somewhere where there are no cars. he was already walking towards the street. dad rushed off but was too late. he couldn't run away, he couldn't fly. if only dad thought about it but no, all he can think about is how to tell me what to do and blah. i'm mad. mad. i'm so mad. it's unfair.

i wish i wouldn't think about stuff like that for hours and hours. it's not my fault. but sometimes it's my fault being human. though nature does similar things, i still think it's my fault because i'm a part of damned humanity.

the pigeon screamed. i heard it but prayed it wasn't that. it was.

- - - - - - - - - - -

yesterday was my first day of this year's practices. it wasn't bad, i was positively surprised. the teacher actually WANTED to have class and to give something to students, it wasn't just a bad thing she had to do. she was very creative, to convey the theory and exercise it she made plays, she even brought beach ball with her! she didn't simply give the answers but made students think and associate meanings. she was communicating fully in german and students understood anyway (me too, lol). comparing her to my last year one, english, she's far better. she's like a real teacher. i wish i could be like her too. though many teachers start like that they soon become empty shell doing their routine. i'm actually happy to have those damn german practices if i can see a good teacher at work.
ro.

and TODAY I GOT INVITED TO KAZIMIERZ BY A FRIEND FROM MY GROUP :D i'm so surprised, honestly, i thought i don't exist to them. omg, can't wait ♥

[>]

Thu, 10 Sep 2009 23:12:07 GMT

seriously, i'm a pro at peeing into the bottle. lol. and giving away my blood. i can be both blood and peeless. it's ridiculous, going to lublin just to pe. JUST TO PEE. it costs me 20pln each time. spsk4, you're a wonderful hospital, but don't fuck up anymore. it costs me, y'know.

my stomach hurts and tomorrow is beautician day. ewww.

[i just don't feel like it anymore, that's why.]

Wed, 09 Sep 2009 22:47:25 GMT

aviation texts are hard. really, really hard. and the ambiguity of english, as well as lack of creativity in polish, don't help. but i learned something interesting: when there is explosive decompression and you are at least on flight level 370, fist you have to do is put on oxygen mask. helpful isn't it? me and niwa were wondering what is explosive decompression and how to know it is what it is. i came to the point where it has to BOOM. the problem is, how to know if BOOM is decompressed or not. she pointed out that we'll never know about our flight level so we might hesitate putting the masks on. pfft. sometimes translating is hilarious.

i'm totally losing interest in LJing. i wonder why.

[]

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 21:44:40 GMT

i'm really not a family person but all in all, my visit wasn't half as bad as i thought it'd be. i had some massive mood swings but when my bro came i had something to do and it was fine. speaking about mood swings, it's becoming STRANGE. i mean, i'm not teenager gout through their rebellious age yet my mood changes like english weather. i think i've read somewhere that it's one of SM symptoms. or maybe it's a side effect of one of my medicine? no idea. but it's getting annoying.

today was pleasant. until i got annoyed for no reason.

recently i came back to watching anime (!!!). i watched michiko to hatchin, i love it. michiko is so sexy, animation is REALLY nice and i love the atmosphere of it. slums, gangs, dirty life. something to what i'm drawn (and some part of me wants to become a lowlife, srsly). highly recommended. i wonder how it'll end~ another anime which, after much struggling, i officially added to watchlist is tytania. it's... supposed to be boring. and i guess parts about fan ARE boring. it's supposed to be monotone as it's clearly a space opera. yet i... i just HAVE to watch episode after episode. okay, 90% of the reason for that is my shipping. damn slash, it's clearly FILLING MY HARDRIVE WITH USELESS ANIME. but i'd give my soul for one jouslain x ariabart doujinshi (btw, anyone who made up their names should be castrated). so i'm watching this stupid stuff. and today i finished shikabane hime: kuro and started shikabane hime: aka. i have no idea why do i keep on watching it. probably curiosity and it doesn't kill. we'll see for the second season.

oh and i checked out dogs ova. IT WAS SO BAD I DELETED IT AND DECIDED NOT TO DOWNLOAD MORE. I MEAN, FUCK YOU PRODUCERS, IT LOOKED LIKE A THIRD-RATE PRODUCTION AND IT MATCHED DRAMA CD I'M INCLINED TO THINK IT WAS DRAMA CD. OMG, YOU DAMNED PRODUCERS, IT'S DOGS WE'RE TALKING ABOUT NOT SOME UNKNOWN TITLE. YOU OUGHT TO DO A GOOD JOB WITH IT. i'm... disappointed. so, very, very much...

i have a pajama i want to wear as normal clothes XD it's black in dots. and to it i have long and thick socks in black and white stripes. i want to go outside like that *__*
XD

[whoa!]

Sun, 30 Aug 2009 11:30:36 GMT

my uncle got internet and became a nerd. i want to go home. i really feel best at home, srsly. i'm not a family person.

when i told kaasan that i'm most comfortable when i'm alone she said: wait when you'll REALLY live alone. i wonder if such time will really come.

[:O]

Wed, 26 Aug 2009 10:40:16 GMT

wah, one of the three times when i cried while reading fullmetal alchemist was nina tacker's story. watched it and cried again. oh gosh.

yesterday was a good day. internet was working almost perfectly. no more shit going around. because, when gadu-gadu (communicator) ragnarok online (web game) and bit torrent die at same time and start to work again at same time it's... strange. and when i called technical support they pinged my modem and said it's fine. it WASN'T fine. half of the internet dead fom 11am till 12am isn't fine. it's strange. because at the same time http, irc, gtalk, ftp worked. i need to format my disc anyway but if it continues after that i'll screw them. it's not that i want to talk on gg, play ro or download all the time but knowing that i'm unable to do so anytime i want makes me pissed off. and because yesterday i could i had a good day. i even cleaned my room (omg i forgot how my desk looked like!!! now i can see it without the shitload of stuff on it), sorted some old uni papers and today i plan to vacuum living room and clean bathroom. yeah, go me!!!

and, the cleaning thing makes me realise once again that i'm better of living alone. dad left with grandma and for a few days i'm all alone. it's so wonderful. i even have the will to clean, cook, do something. it was the same when dad was hospitalised. living alone i cleaned and it was just... bitter-sweet but i prefer it. i want to live alone. gosh, so many years till that comes.

had a little SM stroke yesterday, i think. out of blue my head started to feel big, with enormous blood pressure. i felt fait, my limbs had gotten numb. i thought i'd collapse right away so i just went o lay on the bed and became sort of unconscious for like 20 minutes. just got up to close the balcony and my window because i wasn't sure when i'd get up for real ad i don't trust my cats to be left alone with opened windows. i thought, for a second, about calling an ambulance. but then slowly i got it together, i felt like after some hardcore vomitting. shaken and weak. and my blood pressure went to shit, 102/64. coffee didn't help much (aside from making me totally awake at 1am, orz). didn't wash hair, did nothing because the electricity had some orgasms and it was pitch black so i guess today i won't do anything from what i planned. and i need to translate, go out doing errands, clean... geez. SM just wanted to say "hey lady, i'm still there, don't forget me". because... i forget about it. lawlz. i forget that i'm seriously sick, how wonderful is that?

calling my doctor today to ask her if the date for my first appointment is set. i'm kind of nervous. soon my practices start and fucking uni too (this year will be badass as it's supposed to be 80% german. am i REALLY majoring in ENGLISH?). if the date is the same for practices, will it be alright to leave them? should i talk with my guardian? i hope she's nice. i think i'll go and meet her some days before my two weeks start.

I WATCHED ANIME. FIRST TIME SINCE JULY (FUCKING RO). RAWRRRRRRR. brave story movie is like "neverending story" animated. but ending is fucked up. it's just... making it over-sweet. hollywood-style-like. boo!

also: http://www.askmen.com/specials/top_99_women :| men have strange tastes, seriously. not many i liked from there. ut thanks god they aren't XS size, flat in, flat out. the have boobs, asses and hips in the right place >.> not that i want to offend anyone who doesn't, i WANT TO offend anyone who wants to be like a sheet of paper. if you look like a woman, STAY LIKE THAT. don't make yourself into something unknown. yeah, i like my women hot and womanly :E

ETA: going to lublin tomorrow. in this FUCKING HEAT i'm seriously afraid i'll come back in ambulance. like today, i have shitload of errands to run outside but i can't go out. nevermind SM, i just feel awful. geez. i NEED TO GO OUT, please, rain, thunders, whatever. who in their right mind heard about 35C at 9am?!?

[about my... funeral.]

Thu, 20 Aug 2009 21:03:42 GMT

i got into the treatment program for sm. i have some doubts as whther it'll help me or not since, thankfully, there are no neurological, outside symptoms. so the damage in brain isn't that big. plus i may end up with placebo. i'm vety sceptic, for some reason. and, if i won't stop earlier, i can't have kids for 3 tears during the program. why the hell did that make me a little sad? maybe not wanting but being able is different that not being able. if you can have a cookie but you decide to not have it it's different that being unable to have it even if you want. i guess.

.........................................

i've just finished reading illumination by yamashita tomoko (she's pretty damn awesome. the manga's... not that good, though yet it made me think. and if something makes me think it means it has more than just art and pretty asses. especially chapter 6. i suddenly thought about my funeral. who'd come if i die tomorrow? well, i think most of the family but with family it's different, sometimes just a sense ofobligation. firends are something real. who'd come? hm, i think i can count a few that'd for sure. i have some friends online, i soem times think to arrange hings so that they'd be notified so, if they want/can, they would come. friends from outside poland... nah, dreaming. but i wish. why sudden talk about smth that won't happen in another 70-80 years? just this damn manga that's so beautiful. so beautiful. simple and pretty. damn, when i think about viewfinder in comparison, i want to vomit.

i wonder if anyone knows what to do so that losers would stop being losers when they know that they are. includes me, lol.

Thu, 13 Aug 2009 21:36:02 GMT

how funny is that when i'm occupied with one thing i can't think of dong anything else.

nothing to write about. ORZ.

[.]

Thu, 06 Aug 2009 22:47:13 GMT

so, tomorrow i have to post pictures from the lake, remember, YOU!

and hello, dad, your preaching has the opposite effect you think it does. it makes me negative, annoyed and irritated. just to make you mad i feel like doing the opposite you want me to. dunno why is that and it's not only me. preaching = bad.

full moon (madness). beautiful moon, beautiful air. clouds with the moon shining over them are amazing. and one big star under it. i wish i knew which. and some plan flew really low since i could see not one but two lights and follow them for quite a while. today it feels unreal to be alive, to have to do things. all the purposeness seems ridiculous. it's like i'm a separate being from the one that has to clean, do laundry, later go to uni, bear kids, etc. it's like i'm watching myself from far away and i'm going slower that the me there, bathed in gray reality.

it's all the moon's fault.

[../]

Wed, 29 Jul 2009 22:40:33 GMT

as stupid, fucking ro ate me nothing happened. well, i finally got myself tiamat wings, leveled my RK, forced myself to reborn my assassin, found some jumping headgears, etc. but it's all ro, lol. nothing really interesting.

well, i wanted to write something about my time at the hospital. i'm not, thankfully, familiar with hospitals. i've enver been hospitalised before and only time when i was visiting somebody was my dad. well, only time i can remember clearly. so i can't really compare. but, fate wanted for me and dad to have health problems of the same type: neurological. so when i was hospitalised at spsk 4 in lublin i was... amazed. remember our, chelm's, neurological staff and everything it's like black and white, black being chelm. in lublin, there were MANY doctors, MANY nurses and... amazing but ALL OF THEM WERE REALLY NICE, HONESTLY. i didn't think something like a nice nurse exists but it does. in spsk4, in lublin, in neurology. awesome staff. i felt a little sad leaving because they were so fun to be with. if only our meeting place was different.

it's all good because i want to stay there from time to time from now on. this would mean i got into some kind of treatment program and i'm getting some real help. because yea, i'm officially sick, it's not offical that i have SM. and again it's hard to imagine because my days are like they've always been and there's no visible change. that's good. though MRI showed spreading sclerosis, i try not to think. never think, it won't help and it'll crush you. so i'm, with everyone's support, in DENIAL.

nothing to write about :( going to the lake tomorrow. WHEEEE. wheeeeeee..... i wish i could be happier about it >.>

not proofing. typos <3

Sun, 26 Jul 2009 20:59:58 GMT

not that anyone cares anyway but...

going to play ro some more, for about a week. so, duh. DUH, DUH, DUH.

[crying out here, rather than in rl.]

Tue, 21 Jul 2009 22:25:23 GMT

pierdol się świecie. chrzań się, kurwa. nie w taki sposób chciałam być "kimś", aby złapać chorobę, o której się słyszy a nie widzi tak często.

chciałabym płonąć nienawiścią a po prostu się boję. 3 miesiące i większe zmiany w mózgu. jak szybkie? czy już robię się niepełnosprawna? mrowienie we wszystkich kończynach, w wyniku choroby, czy nie? kurwa, nic nie wiem.

chyba jednak skontaktuję się z jakimś kręgiem pomocy/informacji.

KURWA, KURWA, KURWA, KURWA, KURWA, KURWA, KURWA.

dlaczego ja?

boję się.

[back.]

Mon, 20 Jul 2009 20:52:46 GMT

back at home. and... not too happy? minus two days, the rest were pretty enjoyable there. here i have to clean, cook, etc. there i had everything done.

but i guess i should be happy to be back from hospital. even if i went only for examinations.

which proved spreading SM. so, yeah. i only realised i hoped for something else when i heard that there are more changes in the brain and that it's officially SM.

longer note tomorrow (there is so much to write about) and today... absolute laziness <3

[i came back. i go away again.]

Mon, 13 Jul 2009 22:15:57 GMT

OMG I COMPLAINED THAT I DIDN'T WANT MY SUMMER VACATION BUT NOW THAT THEY'RE FAST IN PASSING BY I'M SCARED. SHIT. I TAKE IT ALL BACK, I WANT sun, summer, LAZY DAYS AT HOME FOREVER. (MAYBE BECAUSE IT'S HALF AS LAZY AS I THOUGHT IT'D BE, LOL.)

jazz festival was nice. it's nothing much and i'm not really a jazz fan but it was nice to listen to. what the did with trumps and cellos and contrabas was just awesome. and the feeling of sitting on a bench, in the middle of old market, with all those light around, listening to awesome jazz - it was worth it. i hope for guś too. i'll post some pictures and videos someday. hopefully.

came back from zamośc yesterday was tired as hell so did nothing but plan this week. i woke up today and even actually STARTED to go by the shedule. at the point when i called my #3 doctor (i think she'll become my in charge, tbh) to ask about second MRI and some more examinations which are supposed to be only AFTER 16th july. she said ok and that i should call her tomorrow so she'll know when, what and all. then, 7 minutes later, she called to come to lublin tomorrow to the hospital. so all my plans got ruined i got down and scared and pretty much clueless, did nothing and now i'm writing this note not packed, sleepy and with a death wish to oversleep. because one should go to hospy early, right? anyway, going there two days before MRI i hope that before MRI i'll have CSF diagnosis done which will make me immovable for 24 hours (oh my, first time peeing through pipe!!...) i really, really don't want to go. bothersome.

so i come and go, come and go. and i thought my summer will be boring as hell. after i come back from the hospital i want to take care aout my flat and my business and oh god, i want to go to the lake. LAKE.

don't want to go.

NOT GOING TO PROOF THIS NOTE. MUAHAHAHAHA. NO SPELL CHECK.

Fri, 10 Jul 2009 13:10:31 GMT

busy, going to zamość, can't answer all mails/comments, only after i get back x__X

[NO WHINY UKES.]

Wed, 08 Jul 2009 23:08:47 GMT

was browsing through my stuff on HD and found two ranma 1/2 movies. clicked on them and... then i spent two days uselessly re-reading the whole manga, 38 volumes. now i'm trying my best to not look for DVD with ovas (freshly made nails help a lot, lol.). i love ranma, it's one of my first three anime obsessions (other two being tenchi muyo! and neon genesis evangelion). i remember fangirling over ranma and akane and their clumsiness and awkwardness. gosh, i miss such pure feelings. ranma is made of win, i love ALL characters but shampoo and can read/watch it over and over again. and i DON'T slash there anyone what's more i don't WANT TO see gays there. yeah i have series like that (like fairy tail). booo, i want to see akane and ranma kiss for real :<

some rl news: my mother who started to drink again and lost her job AGAIN, after a week of being a bitch and making us, again, give up on her, came to grandma asking for help. they went to psychiatrist today and she's going to some kind of institution dealing with alcoholics and people with mental problems. she'll be gone for 6 weeks so i'm going to see her off tomorrow, as the last time i went there i found her dead drunk and bitched usual stuff. where do we get patience, i wander, must be in blood. so my jazz festival in zamość will begin day earlier. I WISH I HAD LAPTOP, OMG, WHAT WILL I DO THERE WITHOUT MOM FOR FOUR DAYS. if i had one i'd watch anime, tRanslate... guess i'll read, eat and watch tv, lol.

also, very important statement: NO MORE WHINY UKES WHO LOOK LIKE GIRLS IN DISGUISE. UKES SHALL BE MANLY, STRONG-WILLED, SEXY AND ABLE TO SWITCH TO SEME-POSITION IN BED/LIFE ANYTIME. NO MORE CRYING HAMSTERS LIKE OKANE GA NAI. seriously, i'm tired of OBVIOUS pairings. i'm tired of canon. i'm tired of ukes who at first glance are ukes, dunno, genetically made maybe. i want something refreshing, i want the thrill of wonder who'll make the first move, who'll top, who'll win. i want them BOTH to be strong, manly. similar, reversible. like, there's this yonezou's manga elektel delusion which doesn't really give us an answer straight away who's uke and who's seme. i voted for blonde to be uke, i've seen now, i know now i say nothing because of spoilers. but it's AWESOME (where is otodama, btw, yonezou, HA?!). same with yonezou's michiru heya, i REALLY hope smaller guy is/will be the uke. i don't want it the typical way. or new jaryuu dokuro ♥♥♥ butterfly baby, i dunno, i hope for blonde to be SEME *crosses fingers* know nishida higashi? she's awesome too. OR, there's that ongoing (?) kyuugou's (<3333333)acid town which has.. *gasms* in the background two yakuza (?) men which, well, are clearly uke-seme but they're both STRONG, MANLY, SEXY, to break them, top them, make them... you know what, oh. OH. i can probably go on and on but i want smth like that. like, STUPID crimson spell, if only yamane had guts to go against her stupid editors/against fangirls/vere just braver to make main pair switch roles, i'd say yamane is great. so far ayamane is typical. i push away the thought about viewfinder from me. it's... a total failure. kiss in the sunset? what next? titanic? asami on his knees with a rose in his mouth? i wouldn't be surprised now, i wouldn't...

wow, what a yaoi brag.

i want to play ro yet recently i don't, wow?

pssss, i feel like smoking.

[babe, did you forget to take your meds?]

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 21:41:47 GMT

i spent the whole day being buy but did nothing. WTF? i only translated like 20 questions. i need to.. i dunno. DUNNO XD

so i'm free from doctors, examinations, lublin, etc till the half of july. then i need to call my new doctor, i'll have second MRI (because i have some actively spreading damages in brain and they need to know if they stop, spread more or if there's another places with it. it feels funny to sit and write that my brain is damaged, LOL.). i'll have to lie in the hospital for a few days too in order to get my cerebrospinal fluid checked. since it's painful (?) i'll have to stay there. in spsk4, lublin. i'm becoming familiar with that place, hohooo. so generally: still waiting for final diagnose, doing examinations to prove SM, trying to get into some program and nothing else.

1. can't work because my hands aren't as stable as they used to, same for legs. besides i never know when i'l have to got to doctor/hospy/etc so no work for me. just translating.
2. can't go out because it's FUCKING hot. and, as i've learnt, sun makes SM stronger. so it's me hating the sun and no sun because of my health. no complaints here.
3. no alcohol for me. because i'm losing my balance.
4. today i felt better SM-wise \o
5. my right knee is showing me that it's a bitch. hurts so much in the mornings i can't move my leg. i guess, between taking care of SM, i'll force myself on some doctor and REQUEST an operation. how can i wear short skirts when all i can do is to BEND and show my PANTS? oz.
6. mom started to drink again. went to zamość yesterday and found her dead drunk. knew it, she didn't pick up my phone/answer my mails. it's pissing me off because i WORRY. i cannot NOT worry. she lost her job too. where will she get money from? what about rent? food? grandma... omg, i feel so sorry for grandma, she's old, sick and her daughter is fucked up. she says she'll kick her out next time she comes but we all know she won't - fucking blood ties are FUCKING. i really wish i couldn't just act like my mother is not my mother. i want to cut all my ties with her. i wish she'd go somewhere and live happily and leave us, her family, alone. because we worry, it's biological nd it kills us slowly.
7. linked to the problem above is... money. second idiot: my father. he's so carefree and jazz and his disability pension is ending yet he hasn't been to hospital, doctors, anything. they WON'T renew it. where will w get money for living? bats me. i can't work, he can't work, my mother is a lost cause, my grandma #1 is sick, she barely remembers anything, my grandmother #2 is sick with problems and hear health, she has to cover living expenses... i don't know, i just don't know. and my treatment, medicine... it costs. and i'll never be cured. it'll always cost. I JUST DON'T KNOW.

i have some pictures to post but... tomorrow. and tomorrow and day after we're waterless. IN THIS HEAT. seriously, god is playing with me. if he's as mean as i think he'll do everything so that i won't go to jazz festival in zamość next week. and i was looking forward to go alone, sit alone, listen to the music, just enjoy. and emo. EMOOOO.

01. Make a list of 5 jobs that you'd like to have or try:
1. traveler reporter? hell, i dunno how it's called; you travel around the world for free and make documentaries about it. WIN.
2. academic teacher (yessss)
3. writer.
4. designer of any sort: clothes, interior, posters, websites, etc.
5. actress.

02. What's the weather like now?
HOT, humid, deadly.

03. What kind of magazines do you read?
none atm, used to read Przekrój, Film and Nowa Fantastyka.

04. What's your occupation?
student, teacher, translator (????)

05. Do you nap a lot?
only if it can save my life - almost never. i feel 100 times worse after doing it.

06. Who is your newest celebrity crush?
none, i don't watch tv/movies much. i came back to CSI recently so probably EVERYONE from there.

07. What's your current fandom/obsession/addiction?
RO. stupid, stupid game. it ate my life. i find SLASH there so it's all the better </stupid>

08. What are you listening to right now?
*boing boing* by saplings and sound of other players' skills, lol.

09. What food could you eat every day for weeks and not get sick of?
rice.

10. What websites do you always visit when you go online?
aarin, twitter, LJ, nipponsei, manga-updates, anime-updates, baka-updates, aniDB; before RO: newsweek, inna.pl, gazeta.pl, rzeczpospolita, ACP, ANN.

11. What was the last thing you bought?
food, lol. PADS <3 XD

12. What was the cutest thing you've seen today?
my male cat curled up on my chair, right after i woke u which means he had to go through balcony <3

13. Does the weather affect your mood?
yes, i can't stand sun and i tend to get sleepy when it's gloomy (not always).

14. What is your zodiac sign?
cancer.

15. Do you want to learn another language?
YES. i speak polish, english (but it's so imperfect it makes me cry), understand german but cannot talk/write and i get bits of japanese (spoken). so this is my priority. SOMEDAY i want to learn french and chinese.

16. What's something you wish you had?
money. to anyone who says they don't give happiness: fuck off, fucking idiot. they are way to get anything, health, security, EVERYTHING.

17. Do you have any siblings?
no.

18. What's something you'd like to say to someone right now?
to dad: stop talking shit when you see it don't care? thx.

19. What are you looking forward to?
graduating, starting master studies, moving out. smth quicker: becoming strong in ro? XD;

20. What is something that you hated as a kid but like now?
pudding, lol.

ps. I'M A THRID YEARS STUDENT NOW. OFICIALLY. YES. YESSSSSSSS.

[my health ramblings.]

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 22:55:04 GMT

peanuts are evil.

went to the doctor yesterday and it deserves a note of its own as the doctor is... a rare kind of one that CARES. he called me today to say he managed to set up smth for me and maybe i'll get free medicine. he's expensive, 170pln per visit, but it looks like he's worth ll of it. anyway, the story will come later.

going to zamość to visit mom and grandparents. not like i really want because all i do there is watch tv/read/eat/get bored but hell, i have to, i guess. would love to take a stroll in the park but walking isn't all that nice now, my knees are turning against me and this losing balance thing is annoying. someday i'll simply trip.

coming back from zamość and preparing to go to lublin for something the awesome doctor managed to get me (dunno what it is, lol), then coming back to chelm, rushing to my neurologist and killing everyone in queue cuz i NEED the paper, then going to lublin for more examinations, then going to awesome doctor with results and then i guess nothing or more examinations. next visit is set up only in september. thanks god i'm free from school so i can take care of myself. i need to heal my hand before october 'cuz writing is becoming difficult/slow and studies = writing. DARN.

also, awesome doctor said it's TOO EARLY TO CALL IT SM. so i guess there's hope? but whatever it is there are symptoms, i feel them and they prevent me from going out even more; it's not comfortable being all stiff. hopefully new medicine will help. moar colourful tablets <3

MY STUPID CAT BROKE OUR TOMATOES AND I TOLD DAD TO MOVE THEM UP BECAUSE ONE BRANCH WAS ALMOST LYING ON THE FLOOR, GRAH, IT WAS THE ONE WITH MOST TOMATOES ON T___T yes, we grow vegetables on our balcony. though now all we have left is tomatoes, cauliflower and peppers, rest eaten 8D