i found internet at hospy XD success. i want to watch new house episode but i think i'll survive till friday when they freeee me.

honestly, if i didn't talk too much i wouldn't end up here. but there was smth going on with my left side and my doc, after some consultation decided to keep me here for 5 days under steroids i.v. they're stronger than those in pills for i had and wow, after 2 days they're working. on everything but my eye but oh well. from other sm-peers i know that i can be blind for a year and then see again. this evironment is depressing yhet not, i learn many things from others who have lived with this shit for 10-20 years. they're in different staters; weaker than me or even stronger. sm is so unpredictable. counting the days till wheelchair when... you don't know even IF. oh well.

made some friends, lol. from different departments, with different sicknesses. when we go to the 5th floor to smoke we share our problems, experiences and compare what we have. it's... fun. it is fucking fun. if you have to live with it why not make it fun? fun, ignore or go and kill yourself. there was a very nice guy, lawyer, who year ago had to switch to wheelchair. he's got the strongest form of sm. he can't live with it. just can't. he's like his own shadow. i wonder how will i look in a year or two. will i maintain my ignorance?

but what amazed me the most: a few people with parenteal nutrition. one of the fucking most positive i've met. and yet i think they have it harder than me. AMAZING.

on the other side, in my room there's a woman with myasthenia gravis. also auto-immu like mine but without attacking brain (in her case it's smth wit muscles). i know it's not good, sm isn't good wither but hell, she complains, talk about it, blahs and pissess the shit out of me. EVERYONE in hospy is sick and in neurological dept it's the worst? but neither me, kaisa or gosia complain. we're getting worse but we shut up. or exachange experiences (mostly like they teach me).

i wanna go home. today is my worse day after interferon and my mood went down to shit. when i think about uni, catching up, etc. i want to stay here forever. i dunno, today i dunno. yesterday i was like a waterfall of happiness. today i'm simply discouraged. not by sm. just generally.

ps. after steroids i'm like high. walk, walk, walk. can't sit and do nothing.

ps2. i can't access my friends page. it's blocked XDD my f-list is not appropiate *dies* (i should write smth like "dies" in hospy. i... don't care?).

weee.

i don't have anything to do on this computer. i lost shitload of anime movies yet i'm unaffected. my love for manga & anime isn't as crazy as before. it's all scary. seriously, when i think i might get bored of this stuff i'm terrified. i can't, no way. NO WAY. i want to be buried with manga in my hands.

ro changed. i had to install it with kRO not sakray and maybe because of that it's more smooth. but they ruined amatsu, whyyy. and also there are new mobs and some event going on. and where are the numbers from mvp & pvp fields? hm. ro is still fun. but only sometimes.

------------

my head is spinning, i'm sleepy and my sight is blurry. i'm going to start complaining about my health. yeah. why not.

i'm on a house m.d. roll. i LOVE it and it's not just house, i love them all. especially chase who's so.. so disgusting. but i love it. like with draco malfoy. thankfully i don't see any slash there although house and wilson's relationship is awesome. it's what i like probably more than slash - deep friendship between men. and i have it here ♥ anyway, house loses something when 3rd season ends and the team breaks but it's still very good. it's just that nothing can beat chase, cameron and forman together. nothing. house liked them all so much. it was cute. his awkwardness is adorable.

my life is as nijaki and boring as ever. i'm not wasting my time thinking about it. i busy worrying about my health and money. both which i don't have.

it'll take me a MONTH to sort all this damn stuff. i download TOO MUCH. why can't i delete. WHYYYYY.

ALSO..! yoneda kou's art is pretty simple. straight lines, nothing close to perfection and "overloading the panel". she knows exactly what to put and where. her semi-minimalistic art is just what i love. but, the best thing about her (aside from uber-awesome stories) is her characters' expressions. i don't know how she does it with just a few lines and some grey tones but even without context or text i could tell right away what a character is feeling. she catches it perfectly - humans' expressions - and can convey them to the readers without some flashy and shitty details and almost-like-real art. she doesn't need it. her 3 straight lines can tell more than abe miyuki's panels full of every fucking single detail (no offense, i love abe). yoneda kou is my current unquestionable guru. i wish i could force whole yaoi community to read her works.

wah, one of the three times when i cried while reading fullmetal alchemist was nina tacker's story. watched it and cried again. oh gosh.

yesterday was a good day. internet was working almost perfectly. no more shit going around. because, when gadu-gadu (communicator) ragnarok online (web game) and bit torrent die at same time and start to work again at same time it's... strange. and when i called technical support they pinged my modem and said it's fine. it WASN'T fine. half of the internet dead fom 11am till 12am isn't fine. it's strange. because at the same time http, irc, gtalk, ftp worked. i need to format my disc anyway but if it continues after that i'll screw them. it's not that i want to talk on gg, play ro or download all the time but knowing that i'm unable to do so anytime i want makes me pissed off. and because yesterday i could i had a good day. i even cleaned my room (omg i forgot how my desk looked like!!! now i can see it without the shitload of stuff on it), sorted some old uni papers and today i plan to vacuum living room and clean bathroom. yeah, go me!!!

and, the cleaning thing makes me realise once again that i'm better of living alone. dad left with grandma and for a few days i'm all alone. it's so wonderful. i even have the will to clean, cook, do something. it was the same when dad was hospitalised. living alone i cleaned and it was just... bitter-sweet but i prefer it. i want to live alone. gosh, so many years till that comes.

had a little SM stroke yesterday, i think. out of blue my head started to feel big, with enormous blood pressure. i felt fait, my limbs had gotten numb. i thought i'd collapse right away so i just went o lay on the bed and became sort of unconscious for like 20 minutes. just got up to close the balcony and my window because i wasn't sure when i'd get up for real ad i don't trust my cats to be left alone with opened windows. i thought, for a second, about calling an ambulance. but then slowly i got it together, i felt like after some hardcore vomitting. shaken and weak. and my blood pressure went to shit, 102/64. coffee didn't help much (aside from making me totally awake at 1am, orz). didn't wash hair, did nothing because the electricity had some orgasms and it was pitch black so i guess today i won't do anything from what i planned. and i need to translate, go out doing errands, clean... geez. SM just wanted to say "hey lady, i'm still there, don't forget me". because... i forget about it. lawlz. i forget that i'm seriously sick, how wonderful is that?

calling my doctor today to ask her if the date for my first appointment is set. i'm kind of nervous. soon my practices start and fucking uni too (this year will be badass as it's supposed to be 80% german. am i REALLY majoring in ENGLISH?). if the date is the same for practices, will it be alright to leave them? should i talk with my guardian? i hope she's nice. i think i'll go and meet her some days before my two weeks start.

I WATCHED ANIME. FIRST TIME SINCE JULY (FUCKING RO). RAWRRRRRRR. brave story movie is like "neverending story" animated. but ending is fucked up. it's just... making it over-sweet. hollywood-style-like. boo!

also: http://www.askmen.com/specials/top_99_women :| men have strange tastes, seriously. not many i liked from there. ut thanks god they aren't XS size, flat in, flat out. the have boobs, asses and hips in the right place >.> not that i want to offend anyone who doesn't, i WANT TO offend anyone who wants to be like a sheet of paper. if you look like a woman, STAY LIKE THAT. don't make yourself into something unknown. yeah, i like my women hot and womanly :E

ETA: going to lublin tomorrow. in this FUCKING HEAT i'm seriously afraid i'll come back in ambulance. like today, i have shitload of errands to run outside but i can't go out. nevermind SM, i just feel awful. geez. i NEED TO GO OUT, please, rain, thunders, whatever. who in their right mind heard about 35C at 9am?!?

i got into the treatment program for sm. i have some doubts as whther it'll help me or not since, thankfully, there are no neurological, outside symptoms. so the damage in brain isn't that big. plus i may end up with placebo. i'm vety sceptic, for some reason. and, if i won't stop earlier, i can't have kids for 3 tears during the program. why the hell did that make me a little sad? maybe not wanting but being able is different that not being able. if you can have a cookie but you decide to not have it it's different that being unable to have it even if you want. i guess.

.........................................

i've just finished reading illumination by yamashita tomoko (she's pretty damn awesome. the manga's... not that good, though yet it made me think. and if something makes me think it means it has more than just art and pretty asses. especially chapter 6. i suddenly thought about my funeral. who'd come if i die tomorrow? well, i think most of the family but with family it's different, sometimes just a sense ofobligation. firends are something real. who'd come? hm, i think i can count a few that'd for sure. i have some friends online, i soem times think to arrange hings so that they'd be notified so, if they want/can, they would come. friends from outside poland... nah, dreaming. but i wish. why sudden talk about smth that won't happen in another 70-80 years? just this damn manga that's so beautiful. so beautiful. simple and pretty. damn, when i think about viewfinder in comparison, i want to vomit.



i wonder if anyone knows what to do so that losers would stop being losers when they know that they are. includes me, lol.

as stupid, fucking ro ate me nothing happened. well, i finally got myself tiamat wings, leveled my RK, forced myself to reborn my assassin, found some jumping headgears, etc. but it's all ro, lol. nothing really interesting.

well, i wanted to write something about my time at the hospital. i'm not, thankfully, familiar with hospitals. i've enver been hospitalised before and only time when i was visiting somebody was my dad. well, only time i can remember clearly. so i can't really compare. but, fate wanted for me and dad to have health problems of the same type: neurological. so when i was hospitalised at spsk 4 in lublin i was... amazed. remember our, chelm's, neurological staff and everything it's like black and white, black being chelm. in lublin, there were MANY doctors, MANY nurses and... amazing but ALL OF THEM WERE REALLY NICE, HONESTLY. i didn't think something like a nice nurse exists but it does. in spsk4, in lublin, in neurology. awesome staff. i felt a little sad leaving because they were so fun to be with. if only our meeting place was different.

it's all good because i want to stay there from time to time from now on. this would mean i got into some kind of treatment program and i'm getting some real help. because yea, i'm officially sick, it's not offical that i have SM. and again it's hard to imagine because my days are like they've always been and there's no visible change. that's good. though MRI showed spreading sclerosis, i try not to think. never think, it won't help and it'll crush you. so i'm, with everyone's support, in DENIAL.

nothing to write about :( going to the lake tomorrow. WHEEEE. wheeeeeee..... i wish i could be happier about it >.>

not proofing. typos <3

back at home. and... not too happy? minus two days, the rest were pretty enjoyable there. here i have to clean, cook, etc. there i had everything done.

but i guess i should be happy to be back from hospital. even if i went only for examinations.

which proved spreading SM. so, yeah. i only realised i hoped for something else when i heard that there are more changes in the brain and that it's officially SM.

longer note tomorrow (there is so much to write about) and today... absolute laziness <3

OMG I COMPLAINED THAT I DIDN'T WANT MY SUMMER VACATION BUT NOW THAT THEY'RE FAST IN PASSING BY I'M SCARED. SHIT. I TAKE IT ALL BACK, I WANT sun, summer, LAZY DAYS AT HOME FOREVER. (MAYBE BECAUSE IT'S HALF AS LAZY AS I THOUGHT IT'D BE, LOL.)

jazz festival was nice. it's nothing much and i'm not really a jazz fan but it was nice to listen to. what the did with trumps and cellos and contrabas was just awesome. and the feeling of sitting on a bench, in the middle of old market, with all those light around, listening to awesome jazz - it was worth it. i hope for guś too. i'll post some pictures and videos someday. hopefully.

came back from zamośc yesterday was tired as hell so did nothing but plan this week. i woke up today and even actually STARTED to go by the shedule. at the point when i called my #3 doctor (i think she'll become my in charge, tbh) to ask about second MRI and some more examinations which are supposed to be only AFTER 16th july. she said ok and that i should call her tomorrow so she'll know when, what and all. then, 7 minutes later, she called to come to lublin tomorrow to the hospital. so all my plans got ruined i got down and scared and pretty much clueless, did nothing and now i'm writing this note not packed, sleepy and with a death wish to oversleep. because one should go to hospy early, right? anyway, going there two days before MRI i hope that before MRI i'll have CSF diagnosis done which will make me immovable for 24 hours (oh my, first time peeing through pipe!!...) i really, really don't want to go. bothersome.

so i come and go, come and go. and i thought my summer will be boring as hell. after i come back from the hospital i want to take care aout my flat and my business and oh god, i want to go to the lake. LAKE.

don't want to go.

NOT GOING TO PROOF THIS NOTE. MUAHAHAHAHA. NO SPELL CHECK.

i spent the whole day being buy but did nothing. WTF? i only translated like 20 questions. i need to.. i dunno. DUNNO XD

so i'm free from doctors, examinations, lublin, etc till the half of july. then i need to call my new doctor, i'll have second MRI (because i have some actively spreading damages in brain and they need to know if they stop, spread more or if there's another places with it. it feels funny to sit and write that my brain is damaged, LOL.). i'll have to lie in the hospital for a few days too in order to get my cerebrospinal fluid checked. since it's painful (?) i'll have to stay there. in spsk4, lublin. i'm becoming familiar with that place, hohooo. so generally: still waiting for final diagnose, doing examinations to prove SM, trying to get into some program and nothing else.

1. can't work because my hands aren't as stable as they used to, same for legs. besides i never know when i'l have to got to doctor/hospy/etc so no work for me. just translating.
2. can't go out because it's FUCKING hot. and, as i've learnt, sun makes SM stronger. so it's me hating the sun and no sun because of my health. no complaints here.
3. no alcohol for me. because i'm losing my balance.
4. today i felt better SM-wise \o
5. my right knee is showing me that it's a bitch. hurts so much in the mornings i can't move my leg. i guess, between taking care of SM, i'll force myself on some doctor and REQUEST an operation. how can i wear short skirts when all i can do is to BEND and show my PANTS? oz.
6. mom started to drink again. went to zamość yesterday and found her dead drunk. knew it, she didn't pick up my phone/answer my mails. it's pissing me off because i WORRY. i cannot NOT worry. she lost her job too. where will she get money from? what about rent? food? grandma... omg, i feel so sorry for grandma, she's old, sick and her daughter is fucked up. she says she'll kick her out next time she comes but we all know she won't - fucking blood ties are FUCKING. i really wish i couldn't just act like my mother is not my mother. i want to cut all my ties with her. i wish she'd go somewhere and live happily and leave us, her family, alone. because we worry, it's biological nd it kills us slowly.
7. linked to the problem above is... money. second idiot: my father. he's so carefree and jazz and his disability pension is ending yet he hasn't been to hospital, doctors, anything. they WON'T renew it. where will w get money for living? bats me. i can't work, he can't work, my mother is a lost cause, my grandma #1 is sick, she barely remembers anything, my grandmother #2 is sick with problems and hear health, she has to cover living expenses... i don't know, i just don't know. and my treatment, medicine... it costs. and i'll never be cured. it'll always cost. I JUST DON'T KNOW.

i have some pictures to post but... tomorrow. and tomorrow and day after we're waterless. IN THIS HEAT. seriously, god is playing with me. if he's as mean as i think he'll do everything so that i won't go to jazz festival in zamość next week. and i was looking forward to go alone, sit alone, listen to the music, just enjoy. and emo. EMOOOO.

( meme stolen from siguś )

ps. I'M A THRID YEARS STUDENT NOW. OFICIALLY. YES. YESSSSSSSS.

peanuts are evil.

went to the doctor yesterday and it deserves a note of its own as the doctor is... a rare kind of one that CARES. he called me today to say he managed to set up smth for me and maybe i'll get free medicine. he's expensive, 170pln per visit, but it looks like he's worth ll of it. anyway, the story will come later.

going to zamość to visit mom and grandparents. not like i really want because all i do there is watch tv/read/eat/get bored but hell, i have to, i guess. would love to take a stroll in the park but walking isn't all that nice now, my knees are turning against me and this losing balance thing is annoying. someday i'll simply trip.

coming back from zamość and preparing to go to lublin for something the awesome doctor managed to get me (dunno what it is, lol), then coming back to chelm, rushing to my neurologist and killing everyone in queue cuz i NEED the paper, then going to lublin for more examinations, then going to awesome doctor with results and then i guess nothing or more examinations. next visit is set up only in september. thanks god i'm free from school so i can take care of myself. i need to heal my hand before october 'cuz writing is becoming difficult/slow and studies = writing. DARN.

also, awesome doctor said it's TOO EARLY TO CALL IT SM. so i guess there's hope? but whatever it is there are symptoms, i feel them and they prevent me from going out even more; it's not comfortable being all stiff. hopefully new medicine will help. moar colourful tablets <3

MY STUPID CAT BROKE OUR TOMATOES AND I TOLD DAD TO MOVE THEM UP BECAUSE ONE BRANCH WAS ALMOST LYING ON THE FLOOR, GRAH, IT WAS THE ONE WITH MOST TOMATOES ON T___T yes, we grow vegetables on our balcony. though now all we have left is tomatoes, cauliflower and peppers, rest eaten 8D

i broke down, after 16 days. well, i haven't smoked and i hope i won't give in even to... just one. one per 16 days, why not. no, i can't. i've had no problems till now, what happened? FUCK IT. it makes me cry. and it's not even smoking per se but the future restrictions. fucking SM.
my stupidity has always told me that smoking is cool, it fits strong people and it's fucking sexy. well, it is. no, it LOOKS sexy. i want to smoke.

*breakdown*

putting smoking aside, why the fuck should i care about anything? cutting food and losing weight? what for? for computer? trying to keep fit but why? i'm a wreck anyway. i just... i'm not sure. shhh, SHH myself, just SHHH.



...and i wanted to write a happy note about some random shit. guess that's tomorrow.

p.s. i AM downloading eRO \o

looks like it IS SM. and SM cannot be cured and sooner or later those with it become handicapped.

handicapped.

fuck it all. just fuck it all.

edit: i'm going to 3rd neurologist and then to SM specialist. i just... can't believe it. so for now, i'm not thinking.

edit2: it is SM. G35. how will i tell my mom? and, in future, will we afford everything connected to it.

fuck you, world.

to dziwne uczucie; siedzieć na krześle przed komputerem, rozmawiać, oglądać i wiedzieć, że ma się zmiany w mózgu. nie mogę przestać o tym myśleć i wyolbrzymiać, mózg to trochę pojęcie... dalekie. jednocześnie świadomość odpowiedzialności mózgu za wszystko. i te "zmiany" w tym odpowiedzialnym "czymś". dziwne, dziwne. za jakieś dwa tygodnie mi przejdzie ale teraz jest drugi dzień i łapię się na tym, że myślę o swojej głowie i tym, co się tam robi. i ciągle czytam opis MRI.
ok, przeszło mi XD


this is the quote from one of my fav yaoi manga... thoughts by haruomi. about tien li and kiichi. yes, "love mode". i... just couldn't, for past year, let go of these phrases. they're stuck in my head. three simple sentences but how much of meaning they hold.

ps. siguś, do you have EVERYTHING of tenipuri manga scanlated? not shin tenipuri. the old one. cuz i miss some chapters _-_

basara may be so damn stupid i laugh through 80% of each episode but it's SO DROOLWORTHY. and damn, yukimura's a lot SEMier than masamune! buahahahaha. I WANT YUKIMURA TO TOP MASAMUNE HERE RIGHT NAO. RAWR!


it's one of my latest music obsessions. it's... christian rock but damn, the whole album is kickass and this particular song is just fucking awesome <333

NEVER, NEVER READ MEDICAL STUFF WHEN YOUR DIAGNOSE WAS UNCLEAR AND NOT SO GOOD. i read too much and now i'm so fucking scared. and i made my dad scared. damn. never, never read.

loneliness. too much of everything and there's loneliness. in "brave new world" there was a sentence: if you're different then you're alone. yeah.

so, today i was finally gives the results of my head's MRI and neurologist's opinion. well... it's not a cancer, tumor or anything of sorts. but it's not 'nothing' either. i have demyelinating disease which comes who knows where and can cause who knows what. i have the appointment with better neurologist at 25th june so i guess he'll tell me more. my doc said not to be worried, to be careful, to not catch flu/cold, etc.i read the report from MRI and there's nothing about causes, nothing really what it does/can do. geez. i read by myself and now i'm paranoid, feeling like my brain is slowly dying. but i guess it's not the case. and i finally have the answer to my constant moving/feeling/concentrating issues.

i'm not happy yet i'm glad it's smth light enough that i don't have to be hospitalised. today i realised how scared of a cancer i was. how fucking scared.

* i've tried to go on the balcony through the window in my room. i felt rebellious XD
* i'm losing weight, i'm happy! i decided to stop second hand shops hunt again. i'll collect what i've bought recently and take photos <3

TMI:
there are more and less enterprising people. i belong to the latter. i can't find my way, my place, do anything by myself. i need to be told, pointed and shown the way. i have many friends who went here, there, got this deal, that deal, managed to advance, sign up, etc, etc. i... nothing. i don't know where to look for opportunities and i have no idea where to find some directions as to where i should look for opportunities and... vicious cycle. so i sit on my ass, do nothing and just want. i don't know what i lack, some time ago i was the total opposite; always busy, doing million things. now... nothing. maybe the part of my brain responsible for this has already died *awful sarcasm*
/TMI.


btw, THE SONG I'M LISTENING TO!!!!!