i'm really not a family person but all in all, my visit wasn't half as bad as i thought it'd be. i had some massive mood swings but when my bro came i had something to do and it was fine. speaking about mood swings, it's becoming STRANGE. i mean, i'm not teenager gout through their rebellious age yet my mood changes like english weather. i think i've read somewhere that it's one of SM symptoms. or maybe it's a side effect of one of my medicine? no idea. but it's getting annoying.

today was pleasant. until i got annoyed for no reason.

recently i came back to watching anime (!!!). i watched michiko to hatchin, i love it. michiko is so sexy, animation is REALLY nice and i love the atmosphere of it. slums, gangs, dirty life. something to what i'm drawn (and some part of me wants to become a lowlife, srsly). highly recommended. i wonder how it'll end~ another anime which, after much struggling, i officially added to watchlist is tytania. it's... supposed to be boring. and i guess parts about fan ARE boring. it's supposed to be monotone as it's clearly a space opera. yet i... i just HAVE to watch episode after episode. okay, 90% of the reason for that is my shipping. damn slash, it's clearly FILLING MY HARDRIVE WITH USELESS ANIME. but i'd give my soul for one jouslain x ariabart doujinshi (btw, anyone who made up their names should be castrated). so i'm watching this stupid stuff. and today i finished shikabane hime: kuro and started shikabane hime: aka. i have no idea why do i keep on watching it. probably curiosity and it doesn't kill. we'll see for the second season.

oh and i checked out dogs ova. IT WAS SO BAD I DELETED IT AND DECIDED NOT TO DOWNLOAD MORE. I MEAN, FUCK YOU PRODUCERS, IT LOOKED LIKE A THIRD-RATE PRODUCTION AND IT MATCHED DRAMA CD I'M INCLINED TO THINK IT WAS DRAMA CD. OMG, YOU DAMNED PRODUCERS, IT'S DOGS WE'RE TALKING ABOUT NOT SOME UNKNOWN TITLE. YOU OUGHT TO DO A GOOD JOB WITH IT. i'm... disappointed. so, very, very much...

i have a pajama i want to wear as normal clothes XD it's black in dots. and to it i have long and thick socks in black and white stripes. i want to go outside like that *__*
XD

i've always been jealous for my friends: they have pals to hang out with, they love and are loved, they're liked and not as screwed up as me. but at the same time i've always truly wished for them to be happy, i wanted them to find happiness, it was sincere feeling. somewhere, under all jealousy, i felt that they should be at least the only ones to be successful. so... why aren't they? why do we ALL mess up?

i broke down, after 16 days. well, i haven't smoked and i hope i won't give in even to... just one. one per 16 days, why not. no, i can't. i've had no problems till now, what happened? FUCK IT. it makes me cry. and it's not even smoking per se but the future restrictions. fucking SM.
my stupidity has always told me that smoking is cool, it fits strong people and it's fucking sexy. well, it is. no, it LOOKS sexy. i want to smoke.

*breakdown*

putting smoking aside, why the fuck should i care about anything? cutting food and losing weight? what for? for computer? trying to keep fit but why? i'm a wreck anyway. i just... i'm not sure. shhh, SHH myself, just SHHH.



...and i wanted to write a happy note about some random shit. guess that's tomorrow.

p.s. i AM downloading eRO \o

NEVER, NEVER READ MEDICAL STUFF WHEN YOUR DIAGNOSE WAS UNCLEAR AND NOT SO GOOD. i read too much and now i'm so fucking scared. and i made my dad scared. damn. never, never read.

loneliness. too much of everything and there's loneliness. in "brave new world" there was a sentence: if you're different then you're alone. yeah.

so, today i was finally gives the results of my head's MRI and neurologist's opinion. well... it's not a cancer, tumor or anything of sorts. but it's not 'nothing' either. i have demyelinating disease which comes who knows where and can cause who knows what. i have the appointment with better neurologist at 25th june so i guess he'll tell me more. my doc said not to be worried, to be careful, to not catch flu/cold, etc.i read the report from MRI and there's nothing about causes, nothing really what it does/can do. geez. i read by myself and now i'm paranoid, feeling like my brain is slowly dying. but i guess it's not the case. and i finally have the answer to my constant moving/feeling/concentrating issues.

i'm not happy yet i'm glad it's smth light enough that i don't have to be hospitalised. today i realised how scared of a cancer i was. how fucking scared.

* i've tried to go on the balcony through the window in my room. i felt rebellious XD
* i'm losing weight, i'm happy! i decided to stop second hand shops hunt again. i'll collect what i've bought recently and take photos <3

TMI:
there are more and less enterprising people. i belong to the latter. i can't find my way, my place, do anything by myself. i need to be told, pointed and shown the way. i have many friends who went here, there, got this deal, that deal, managed to advance, sign up, etc, etc. i... nothing. i don't know where to look for opportunities and i have no idea where to find some directions as to where i should look for opportunities and... vicious cycle. so i sit on my ass, do nothing and just want. i don't know what i lack, some time ago i was the total opposite; always busy, doing million things. now... nothing. maybe the part of my brain responsible for this has already died *awful sarcasm*
/TMI.


btw, THE SONG I'M LISTENING TO!!!!!

having done my french manicure i feel good. but still bad. and the fact that i'm going to zamość for weekend doesn't help at all. i need to get out of this fucking stagnation as soon as possible.

from my old notes:

sometimes i think there are two me.
and yes, it seems like some kind of schizophrenia. my interests and tastes tend to be polar, in contrast to eachother. i feel lonely yet i shut off myself on purpose, i want to socialise yet i avoid any human interactions. i love science yet i dream about fireflies. i want to eat meat but i don't. i'm drawn to gangs and mafias and my demon inside me roars yet i'm responsible and realistic. i cry over some dead bug yet i feel like i'm watching myself from the side in a wonder "wtf is wrong with her?". i want to go to a disco and sweat everything off to house/trance music, then i come back and listen to death metal. i ant elegance yet i love funky fashion and i'm still drawn as hell to the gothic conventions. the lack of just "one", "clear" me is annoying. it's tiring. i told myself i'd give up on everything and struggle till graduation. but i can't. i just can't. i'm too "smart" to fall into a similar hole like few years ago, but my state of mind is like a copy. just that there's more fury and anger now, compared to those depressing feeling back then. yet i struggle. i wait. and the other part of me screams. last time, on the bus, i saw a girl in track wear. i had all that "hey, wanna go and drink vodka?!" which i wanted to say to her and then fuck her raw, though she was not my type. yet i stood. i STOOOOOD. the two of me inside are fighting, damn bitches. i think all these mood swings are because of them. i mean, i'm too old.

lol, i hope it was what i wanted to writ about when i meant "two me"...

oh! session's behind me. my grades are awesome. this semester i didn't get anything lower than B. talk about luck ♥ i know i'll screw up again when it'll come to grades for scholarship....

lately, i've been having problems with my own identification. i can't decide what to do, how to think, what's important and what's trivial. what are my beliefs? and when did they change if ut;s the case. i'm slightly loss but not to the point of being... nothing? eh. i'm trying to drop meat. and that's where the problem begins. why do i want it? because of my feelings about animals? but i'm not against humans killing animals for food! what sickens me is the way we obtain it, the sources we use. meat from free ranges farms is absolutely okay, at least to me. besides, if we talk about animals' suffering, it's more right to drop dairy products rather than meat. for example: cows kept for milk only, suffer their whole lives in inhumane conditions, those for meat are at least killed... so yeah, why would i drop meat? maybe to look cool? there are many vegetarians, vegans and people of generation x around me at uni. perhaps i want to be one of them? hmm? the only real reason for me dropping meat is that i WANT TO LEARN HOW TO EAT VEGETABLES. i seem to have some kind of veggie-phobia and eating cauliflower is nightmarish, as well as pepper... so yeah, i'm thinking on going without meat for about a year and then we'll see. it's already hard so i can't imagine what will happen in a month.

but THEN ("but" is my most favoured word, it seems), if i want to learn eating veggies without dropping meat i should switch to asian cuisine which i love so much. dad already told me we'd buy wok! oh my, i think he doesn't believe i could go on without meat and he sees it as silly.

i don't know, just don't. what are my views and opinions? would i drop honey because bees are in pain? no. do i want to change my lifestyle finally? perhaps, but i hate changes. and can i really live ecologically? can i live healthy? and; DO I WANT TO?

/overthinking.

( some small reflection in polish, about life, lol. )

where, when and how we should put commas in english relative or whatever clauses- is beyond me. i hate it just as much as i hate tenses and articles. GRRRR.

it's coming and coming and i can't stop it. yet i want since i'm too exhausting to be loved and i'm the one they all run from as alanis morissette sang. yet i slowly start drowning and it's harder and harder to pull back. i'm filled with anxiety and disappointment. when was the last time i felt like that?

i skipped pedagogy lesson today, going to skip writing lesson tomorrow and german grammar is i have absence left. if not then i'm in trouble. i don't have the time to prepare for tests. and it's not that i waste it in front of computer (i don't, right?) other than that today was my first time with the older student i'm going to tutor. he's like... 19 years old? not sure. but compared to my little 9 years old girl tutoring him is so much easier and goes faster! maybe TOO fast, i found a site with english lessons from the very basics but they're limited to some kind of level. i have no idea what to do when we reach it. i guess i'm going to look for a book maybe? and he wants lessons two times per week, fine with me! = KANE ♥ if this goes on i'll earn 60pln/week working 4h/week. WHOA. shiny. writing with not-so-dried nails is HARD there's also a lot i have to do and i planned, without organising i won't manage to do 1/10 of it but when i try to make some kind of shedule for myself i notice how short the day is and it depresses me, lol. silly.

winter's coming, i guess. i'm preparing to be vegetarian. for mentally while looking at recipes, then i need to learn to eat veggies and just drop meat. at least until we start to be more humanitarian. nothing against meat, it's just that.... yeah. going to prepare for dude's lessons and sleep. dunno what to do tomorrow at girl's. will figure itself.

i'm not as drawn to the computer as i was 1,5 month ago. since the girls came i prefer sitting with them in the living room, doing nothing, getting bored, etc. yaoi isn't as appealing as it was, i don't feel like watching anime or reading mangas... all i miss is being an editor for loveless. i REALLY want to go back to it sometime but it's very time-consuming so i guess only after exam session. if i don't go abroad to work. i miss my loveless pals but... i rarely turn the computer on and if i do, it's for 2 hours max? enough to check up updates and communities. guess i really am NOT addicted (i thought i was). and my social life (which is dying anyway) is more important. i push away the idea of girls not being here, i still have 20 days of living together and then, hopefully, we'll spend summer vacations together till september (in september each of us has school practices in different city). before they moved in i had thought that living with somebody your age, your friends, would be annoying, cut off your privacy. but it's not. it's so funny i'll miss it very much. VERY, VERY much.

it's getting hot, TOO HOT. exactly during my session. i don't know how i'll survive, maybe i'll faint right in the middle of oral pnj and make a fuss, lol. what about exams...? well, i'm slacking. but since i'm stupid and stupid are lucky, i'll probably manage. the german test i had to write 'cuz i turned in blank page on previous was... very good. B+! and i haven't studied at all! i've got day of german exams tomorrow, geex, i'm majoring in english and all i've had recently was german and german and german.

ps. TV is useless.

today = SLUMP. because i'm not tanned and on pale, white skin everything is easily seen; because i have hormone problems; because i don't have clothes to wear and i love originality and variability. boo.

hm, i lost a few days to demian syndrome and silver diamond (your fault, bosska_ak! XD) if someone's interested, i've uploaded volumes 1-5 of scanlated "silver diamond". i love both of the titles and i hope someone will really continue them. otherwise my dear luxie will be constantly bothered with questions of translations, hehehe.

i love the weather. it makes me feel refreshed. lighter coat, sport shoes, scarf, sunglasses and the smell of change. i need to take a walk someday, it's just a pity not to since it's so wonderful outside.

i'm strangely calm. even though i didn't do the homework for tomorrow. maybe i'll skip it at girls' house? oh god, seems like nothing can shake me today. and i finally visited this awesome coffee shop, the coffee and atmosphere there made me cry. AWESOME.

hm, now just to let my nails dry~

edit: notes about demian and silver;
- luxie has told me that azuma is acting like a jerk, meaning, not doing ANYTHING after, well, spoiler: raping his uke. oh well. nonetheless, it looks intense.
- shiba and sakurai are getting it on. i bet my nails on it. (those two seniors)
- chigusa from demian is love and i need some awesome background story about him.
- SILVER DIAMOND VOLUME 13 RAWS ARE UP AND SUMMARIES AS WELL. OH GOD.

GOD SAVE ME BUT HOSHI WILL BE VOICING MY DEAR GINO IN CODE GEASS R2!!!!!!!!!!! WHY T______________T

i need to write about:
1. that i dunno what i want.
2. art reflections.
3. rafał.