i'm reading vampire chronicles. LESTAT. it's so fucking sexy i don't think i'll be able to focus on my exams and books for english literature studies. vampires win everything over right now.

btw, we spent 12 hours SITTING at home, in the living room, doing nothing. god, saves us. ok, me and ewa were reading and gosia... filling time?

WRITTEN YESTERDAY:
living with someone takes away your personal freedom. cuz even if you're a very outgoing person who loves to have fun/spend time with people, you still can be a loner. i'm a loner at home. at home i want to be left alone and not bothered. so yeah, i'll keep on complaining about that a lot. A LOT.

code geass r2 episode 5... kills. omg, suzaku, i love you so, so much!!! you turned into the exact badass i wanted you to be, no more no less. two-faced jerk. it's interesting, i can't see in which direction this show will go, how it'll end. good for lelouch? bad for lelouch? since the characters there are neither black or white, it's hard to decide on "good ending". who's the REAL bad guy? emperor? suzaku? (but he still has an excuse) lulu? (but he still has an excuse) ah, i love this show. and i love how gino loves suzaku ♥

my summer finals are coming in big steps and i haven't done a thing yet. and before finals we'll have lots of smaller tests/exams. i'm afraid i might lose my perfect grades simply because i'm too lazy and don't have the motivation for it.

yesterday we were partying till 3am. excluding some fucktards i "caught", i wrote a note in my cellphone: i feel lonely at party hm?

WRITTEN TODAY:
my older kitty's reaction to sparrows is... just AWESOME. she waves her tail in sharp and quick moves and.. well... it's neither meow or hiss, it's like she's gritting her teeth and meowing while hissing. she looks hungry XD;;

my washing machine gives off WEIRD sounds. with three girls at home breakdown is a catastrophe. and maybe the water on my neighbour's ceiling wasn't exactly broken pipe... *in panic*

gosh, my life is undergoing some major changes. i'm not sure whether i like it or not.

ewa and gosia moved in with me. well, we're in the middle of moving their luggage and, honestly, i have no bloody idea where we'll fit all of their belongings. NO IDEA. but gosia happily agreed. cats are also a little problem but she says it's not. we'll see. i'm afraid electricity usage will go up to heaven and me and dad will bankrupt even with ewa and gosia's rent. it's just... different lifestyles. me and dad are crazy about saving electricity and i don't want to sound like a cheap snob who goes around complaining so i keep silent. but, first time having flatmates like that, i'm super nervous.

also, my time with computer, anime, manga, yaoi... will drop. cuz what? i can't close myself in my room and pretend i'm not here.i really love them but being so used to my lifestyle, to my tempo, activities, etc, it's hard to imagine some change. but we'll see. i must start nagging to them how, at home, i'm a loner and it's like i'm invisible so they shouldn't mind. but whoa, it's just... interesting.

have to get up around 6am tomorrow just to go to hospy and help my dad clean his ass. i can't wait! *sighs* i know i shouldn't be but i'm already tired of this and, even though i worry, living without dad was very comfortable. that's why my mixed feeling about girls, cuz i LOVE to be left alone at home.

gosia's sleeping over and taking my computer for her own use. well, i don't mind. somehow i'm so busy these days i turn compy on and still do nothing. it's uni --> hospital --> outing --> sleep. i'm almost a guest at my own home.

but i'll try to find some time tomorrow. gotta catch up on code geass~! in next episode suzaku comes back <3<3

ps. i don't mind anyone sleeping over or spending days at my place but... somehow i still feel uneasy. i guess i'm like a cat. invading my own space and i'm... not so good. i love her but i'd like to be alone more. dunno, where does it come from?

besides, animals at home ARE a problem when someone comes >_

i hate her, hospitals, world, everything. late calls from dad. i hate it all. right now. i hate studies, i hate life. i'll probably love half of that tomorrow but today i hate it to the point i want to puke.

so many, many things happened. my dad's stable but not better. they can't calm his blood pressure as he doesn't react to any medicine. both me and my aunt are getting kind of sceptical but we're not doctors - we can't really know. i guess it's only natural for us to want everything faster. i'm visiting him daily, i already know the son and husband of some lady in bed next to dad's. i'm abusing doctors, i hate this hospital, i hate going there not knowing what to expect, what will i see at the place. fear and anxiety is driving me crazy everytime i go to see him. 'cuz it's still not good. it's not getting worse but also not getting better.

because of the situation, mom is temporally living with me. she cleaned the whole apartment, lol. i wouldn't have done it in million years so i'm grateful but, to be honest, i want her out of home as soon as possible. because five days was her maximum without alcohol. though i still have some things i need from her so i'll keep her with me till the end of week. and see how things progress. oh! but one nice thing: old friend of my parents', p. mariola, came yesterday saying she had just learned about the situation and if i need any money, any help, she'd give it to me. of course i won't ask but it was nice. small things make you the happiest.

i've learned something about my friend that makes me wonder about her mind's quality. she chose a... girfriend i didn't want. huh, maybe she changed? or maybe my taste's off?

anyway, ewa, gosia and brydzia are helping me a lot. i love, love, love them so much. on friday, when i was in awful state, after the breakdown of dad, they were there for me. days later too. and later. and i spend wonderful time with them. going to the party tomorrow, gosia's having bday! yay, i hope we'll have lots of fun ♥

without dad, nero is bored and pissing me off. kittens are probably lonely~

( some quizzes from long, long ago... )

hating this world currently. it was fine this morning. he went to lubling for some examinations and they turned out pretty good. but when we returned to chelm, he was moved to intensive care unit, was given papmers and he didn't recognise my aunt - his sister. i couldn't go to see him. major breakdown. his blood pressure was 244/150, they say it's because of that. but... jesus. i'm not negative but i'm scared. hopefully i'll have the strength to see him this evening. hopefully. what's even worse is that we're keeping it all away from grandma or she'd join him on the sickbed. we just dunno how long we can play this.

you know, i'm the blessed one who is always lost at hospital. this means, i haven't had the chance to get familiar with it. and it's true. other than coming to see some doctors, i've been to hospital only once, visiting my grandma. and i was perfectly okay with it, it's not like i have to know such awful places. so why do i have to get familiar with it? today, my dad had cerebral hemorrhage (or howver it's called, blood leaked to his brain) and is now hospitalised.

it started innocently. i woke up, started to prepare for uni. dad woke up as well, i didn't pay much attention to him, just our usual morning. then he called my aunt to come and give him some pills for blood pressure. she gave. he wanted to go to see his doc but he couldn't therefore he called an ambulance but refused to go to hospital. before lessons, i walked him to the clinic and left him. then i skipped english literature and didactics and went home, called that but he, sounding strange, told me he was waiting at hospital for someone. i told him i'd call him later. but he was faster; having small problems with articulation, he said he was hospitalised and to bring him his pajamas. i thought it was only something small, like usual for people with blood pressure's troubles. but it wasn't. something broke and leaked the blood to his brain. good thing is that he acts only as he'd be dizzy, not on a verge of losing his mind or body functions. but they still don't know the cause. it might be stress, blood pressure or some kind of aneurysm. for the last, we're going to lublin to check tomorrow. i hope. the fater the better.

awful thing: my... strength? i don't know, but after i cried some time, i came home and.. felt nothing. maybe because it's still kind of surreal? maybe because it's only first night in empty flat. i'm not even scared. yet.

other strange thing is that i have the need to tell it to everyone. deep inside me i know why and it disgusts me.

nie mam pojęcia, jak jest "wylew" i "udar mózgu" po angielsku. ktoś wie?

btw, my cd rom just disappeared by itself so i might go mia again. fuck.

i feel horribly unloved. so unloved. too unloved. i miss muraki, the service isn't calling, i'm scared. i've got no money, i'm suing my mother, my father wants to pay me everything and all in all, world is shit. mr. driver annoys me.

but, there's something good out there. i went with gola to K2, it's expensive. but the music was good, we danced, we found guys, i had fun and it helped me to shake the stress away. though now i'm back to reality, having 0 text tomorrow which i might be not allowed to take, having many tests next week and, like i said, i'm so unloved (but it doesn't make me sad?) i'm rereading HP books but i can't find 6th volume anywhere. i miss yaoi, i might actually stop liking it. and koi isn't answering my messages.

boo!

i wonder, how are you guys~?

ok, so i'm at uni again, shamelessly using it for my m&a check. just check. i want yaooooooooi!

being bored out of my mind without computer, i had harry potter marathon. anyone watched HP5? i was "O____O" like, wtf?

thoughts (SPOILERS):
- 5th part (movie) is sucking)
- actors playing fred and george are getting old in ugly way
- actor playing lupin doesn't look like uke and it's scary when i think he was uke for leonardo dicaprio in "total eclipse". wow.
- i want more HP movies
- the thing about harry and cho was... out of nowhere?
- TOO MANY THINGS CHANGED!!!!!!!
- wow @ how they frenched. wasn't that supposed to be a movie for kids?
- ron is after voice change!!! i could listen to him non stop *__*
- i want to have children with snape
- i don't like how they created arthur, ron's father
- there wasn't anything about hospital, FAILURE
- cho betrayed them?!?!?!?!?!
- i want to see ron without t-shirt (his body seems yummy)
- luna is gorgeous!!!!!! i'm loving her
- they fucked up the prophecy big time, like the whole movie

oh and i watched eragon. ewww, i watched it only for murtagh but there was almost no murtagh and if he was there he was smiling too much. where's my image of cold bishounen? i wonder if they'll make more movies? HMMM.

the weather is awesome. sun, 16C, no wind. i did huge shopping in second hands and i have so many shirts now! i chose two because of the text: "FUCKING BIG TITS" and the other "there's no man who can afford me" XDDD

i want my computer back.

ps. it's just a small thought but maybe i should set up a bank account and people would give me dollars for my new computer..? XD sometimes such stupid/brave ideas work. sometimes.

ok, to make things short: MY COMPUTER HAS DIED. suddenly. i'm out of my mind, in fear, whether i'll lose all my data on HD or not. if i do - i'm gonna jump out of the window since i don't have any back ups. 40GB worth of data i've collected over years. i want to cry. my computer is in the services now but i don't want to hold any hopes. it's better to be positively surprised than negatively. and if it dies, i won't come back anytime soon. there's just no money to buy anything else. life is fucked up, miss my computer like i'd miss my leg or two.

miss you guys :(

loki_niflheim and aurenfaie, i love you guys. you know why. i love having many icons and the bag is absolutely wonderfl. i'm not worth any of this ;__;

p.s. and this fucking thing happened NOW. when code geass R2 is starting in less than a week. know me, shit happens all the time.

hm, i lost a few days to demian syndrome and silver diamond (your fault, bosska_ak! XD) if someone's interested, i've uploaded volumes 1-5 of scanlated "silver diamond". i love both of the titles and i hope someone will really continue them. otherwise my dear luxie will be constantly bothered with questions of translations, hehehe.

i love the weather. it makes me feel refreshed. lighter coat, sport shoes, scarf, sunglasses and the smell of change. i need to take a walk someday, it's just a pity not to since it's so wonderful outside.

i'm strangely calm. even though i didn't do the homework for tomorrow. maybe i'll skip it at girls' house? oh god, seems like nothing can shake me today. and i finally visited this awesome coffee shop, the coffee and atmosphere there made me cry. AWESOME.

hm, now just to let my nails dry~

edit: notes about demian and silver;
- luxie has told me that azuma is acting like a jerk, meaning, not doing ANYTHING after, well, spoiler: raping his uke. oh well. nonetheless, it looks intense.
- shiba and sakurai are getting it on. i bet my nails on it. (those two seniors)
- chigusa from demian is love and i need some awesome background story about him.
- SILVER DIAMOND VOLUME 13 RAWS ARE UP AND SUMMARIES AS WELL. OH GOD.

GOD SAVE ME BUT HOSHI WILL BE VOICING MY DEAR GINO IN CODE GEASS R2!!!!!!!!!!! WHY T______________T

i need to write about:
1. that i dunno what i want.
2. art reflections.
3. rafał.

i found a random note on one of my endless papers: ryuusei - uke, kami - moriya - seme. oh god, there were times when i couldn't remember it XD

anyway, EWA HAS PASSED!!!! oh god, i'm so happy. she won't leave. since i helped her study twice, it somehow feels like it was my knowledge that was being checked, lol. but then, here, ewa and gosia's situation is... eww.

( some blah about friendship between people )

i still have to go around schools. the inside of my shoes got torn by my kitty and my heels (a part of the foot, huh?!) hurt. i want to switch to spring shoes or to adidasy already but it's still coldish. and my adidasy are wet and will dry for another 143 years. going to have fun tomorrow, maybe visit my girls, maybe watch some anime. i'm calm and good (minus the things that annoy me).

situation with mom = FUCKED UP. with dad = SAME.

ugh, i think i gotten myself into some trouble. justyna, a waitress and ex-co-worker, got bugged by some fried to contact me. so she gave me his number and i called him. he's majoring in aviation and uh, i'm supposed to translate some engineering things for him?! nooo, why am i so fast to help people? and, heh, mr. driver got mad at me because i was busy doing other things and didn't talk with him. loser.

it was raining today!!! the first, VERY FIRST, spring rain! during my break i went home and when i was rushing for remaining lecture i noticed the smell i recognised from somewhere. it was the smell of wet asphalt and crosswalks. i can't describe it well, but it's different during winter and it's special during summer/spring rains. it brings memories of warm rains, wet grass, fresh green scenery around. oh god, i was walking with a smile under that rain (even though later it got quite annoying). spring is on its way, i feel it, i anticipate it and i long for it. walking around the city under warm drops of water, hearing birds sing... and even if spring equals summer later (which i hate), i still WANT IT.

2 days till retakes' results are out. i wonder who's more nervous, me or the people who wrote it.

no oscar for katyń. not surprised?

( to do list, updated )

because yeah, like fuck. if i HAVE TO stay at home today to prepare for tomorrow's lessons and all, since i haven't done a thing during winter break, they get moody, persistent and annoying. and omg, WHY I CAN'T? i ALWAYS CAN. no, not always. and even though my ass is itching to go, have fun with them (cuz all in all i love them), i don't have time, money and energy. when i was having fun and wanted them to be with me they were either away, tired or busy. same jazz with me now. but it's probably just because i realise i can't go out but i want to so much. why today, for motherfucker's sake.

does any of you remember your first slow dance? body to body? i do. it was still in middle school (elementary? what's just before junior high school..?), i was 11 years old. or 12? it was a school party because of something, back at the time when our school system was 8 years + 3 years, so we danced with 7th and 8th graders who, at that time, seemed SO ADULT. and they were 14 years old. anyway, the song was "don't speak" by no doubt, i was, for the first time, in sleeveless shirt, kinda showing my bra. i felt so sexy. and he asked me for a dance. we glued together to that song. i didn't get his name, he didn't get mine, we passed eachother on halls, but that's it. i was hyped up, blushing and remembering, sending him long stares. but then i fell in love with my classmate, in last year of middle school. oh god, those days of stepping into puberty, how i miss it sometimes. everything was so new, fresh and exciting, world was full of surprises and undiscovered features. now it's all so clear. and complicated.

i'm cleaning my "to sort" folder in bookmarks. so many of them are dead already, huh. but this one is interesting; a yen for tokyo, i have no idea if it's up to date or not, but lucky people who'll go there might find it useful *green with jealousy* other thing, somehow funny. there was a time when i googled my username and... got interesting results. like that. it's not me, i swear. it's the more awesome since i made "firelle" by myself, playing with the name "fivrelde" or something like that, a fairy from one of margit sandemo's books. what a coincidence that someone also made the same thing? and my another self, lol!

SOME OTHER RANDOM DUMP:
marylin monroe. i'm not a fan of her or anything like that but i find these breathtaking || ohohoho, leeching heaven for me. i'm a sucker for raw manga with lots of busheskanji! || this body DO WANT NOW. || i made my husband (inagaki) happy with this. i'm not a part but maybe it's actually good...? gotta dig my hubby's pr0n disc someday. || another raw manga journal, no idea if the links work, though. || the more i looked at it, the more scared and believable i became. it turns your imagination on.

and, i have a huge, bothersome favor to anyone who'll ever see it. this entry, has awesome code geass pictures which are TOO BIG for my computer to handle. i'd download them and resize to max 1100px height but i can't. it's so frustrating. i wonder if anyone can make them smaller for me...?

manga "THE WORLD IS MINE" is awesome. so fucking disturbing, do gore, so screwed but i can't stop reading it. ooh. long live seinen~~~~!!!

i quit my job. after 17 hours of work followed by another 13 hours, i said "enough". but i'll be paid and i'll still go there to help. just not from the very morning till morning. it's crazy. and when my boss told me to sell beer at 2:20am, still. i got mad, very mad. cleaning up at 3 in the morning isn't anything nice.

so yesterday i went out with hide, to my workplace XD it's a nice bar, with nice people and cheap beer prices (lol). and i feel in love with regulars there. it's a bunch of middle aged men that come everyday, have discounts and are like a part of furniture. they're LOVE. yesterday i stayed behind just to flirt/talk with them. and they all know my father, another bars regular, lmao. so yesterday was pretty much fun :) haven't felt that good in weeks~

i need some good yaoi. and i need the time to watch anime. not today, i guess. going out to mom's, then stopping by my workplace because they love me there (XD) and then, uh, i dunno. i wanna sleep earlier than at 3am, for once X__x

my cats aren't getting along. nero grew up and he's bigger than diana already, diana is annoyed at him non stop, they don't even play together. his jumps on her are now like a tries of beating up. to be honest, nero is annoying to me as well. i get cold when he plays with cables behind my desk, i yell and feel like throwing him out. but next second he's so cute and sweet. cats are just like humans.

ypu don't drink alcohol for 3 weeks and next time you take a sip, you get drunk in an instant. HUUH. i got drunk after what? 4 shots of czanga? when i could survive 0,5l of vodka? we;l, that's fine, makes it cheaper. but we were all surprised, so, so surprised XD

going to work in a moment ;__; and mu guś is coming home this week <3 and allelujah lost at saigar. MY FAITH IN FANGIRLS IS DEFINITELY LOST.

i'm a blessed child, honestly. the amount of luck i use for school is enormous, i swear.
( k, i cut it because it looks long. my blah about today )

already 11pm. and i just woke up not so long ago. i hate sleeping during the day but after the coffeine, nicotine and energizers, my body turned upwards and died on me. how good it feels to have one day break, then two days studying, last exam and FREEDOM. FREEEEEEEDOOOOM.

oh, trailer of code geass second season is out somewhere. WTF, WTF. WTFFFFFFF.

plan for tomorrow:
• get the sign from IT and lexis
• return the book to library
• go job-hunting with gola
• watch some anime
• if possible, go out drinking ♥

i really, REALLY hope everything will be over after 28th and i'll have a break till 13th february. but knowing how fucked up didactics is and how bad i did on my psychology exam, i'm not as positive as when the session begun. we'll see. today's knowledge of literature exam was easy and i think i did well. sadly, 2/3 of it was interpretation or explanations about characters, motifs and symbols so i have to depend on my sensei thinking. interpretation should be banned from all exams as it's purely subjective thing and EVERY interpretation is RIGHT when given a sensible reasons and justifications.

the weather is AWFUL. it's supposedly winter, middle of winter. snow, icy cold air... but instead we have rain, melting snow everywhere, wet ground, crosswalks full of sand and mud and it's just... ugly. like early spring is when snow melts and leaves everything that was mixed withing in around. trash, dog's shit, etc, etc. YUCK. well today it kinda smelled of spring but... BUT MY ECOLOGIST SOUL SCREAMS FOR HELP.

anyway, anyway. i dunno. nothing to write about. with all exams and going out when i'm at home i'm blank like a page of paper. nothing comes to my mind. haven't watched any anime for a month already. uuurk.

oh and last: my new obsession is here. it's AWESOME. what kind of genre is that? what years it resemble? '30? '40? i'm obsessed and i want more music like that!

JUNJOU ROMANTICA WAS FEATURED IN NEWTYPE!!!!!!!!! BL ANIME IN NEWTYPE!!! *tears of joy* it might be good!!!! (i lost my faith in bl anime LONG AGO)

cantarella by you higuri is AWESOME. that's all. i love chiaro and his relationship with cesare. yah. i wish higuri would return to drawing it, leaving us all with a cliffhanger like that, GRR.

and i lost my time on doing nothing except partying and cleaning my house. urrk. exam tomorrow, we'll see. laziness got me.