day has too little hours.

seriously, i'm a pro at peeing into the bottle. lol. and giving away my blood. i can be both blood and peeless. it's ridiculous, going to lublin just to pe. JUST TO PEE. it costs me 20pln each time. spsk4, you're a wonderful hospital, but don't fuck up anymore. it costs me, y'know.

my stomach hurts and tomorrow is beautician day. ewww.

* so, liek, i'm WTFing at myself (WTFing... english is such a wonderful language <3<3). i think i'll WTF the whole summer.

* when talking to someone i'v known for sooo looog i'm awkward. how stupid can i get?

* ps. i'm gonna go and whore myself in order to have money for japanese yaoi magazines forgetting the fact that i have no idea where to be a whore. i now what they do but... should i sign up somewhere? how? *dork* i'm in pains because i WANT mangas' serialisations NOW but they're only available in mags and mags are so hard to get. so i'm gonna do it! buahahahaha, fear me, you lustful men *idiot*

* can't stop playing RO. CAN'T. is there anyone, besides me, who shipped random players? i found gays. i swear they are. THEY MUST BE.

i decided i want to watch... hetero porn. redtube <3 XD but... buahahahahaha. half of the time i was criticising the "ladies" there, half getting bored, and laughing. then, i wanted to check out hentai (you need to experience everything!) and.... IF I'M EVER DOWN AND SAD I SHALL WATCH HENTAI. so funny. dubbed in english = hilarious. and... the guy's thing was.... brown and wrinkled. WTF???? i cried *rolls around* no p0rn does what... porn should do? for me, it makes me die from laughter.

as for gay porn... it's a) boring b) boring c) BORING. there's just no emotions! lol. i'm still looking for some good porn, het or gay. i believe it exists!!! .....somewhere.

no, i have no idea what i'll have from it but... i'm just stubborn, i'll find it. unless i collapse from laughing XD

lol, porn post.

NEVER, NEVER READ MEDICAL STUFF WHEN YOUR DIAGNOSE WAS UNCLEAR AND NOT SO GOOD. i read too much and now i'm so fucking scared. and i made my dad scared. damn. never, never read.

loneliness. too much of everything and there's loneliness. in "brave new world" there was a sentence: if you're different then you're alone. yeah.

so, today i was finally gives the results of my head's MRI and neurologist's opinion. well... it's not a cancer, tumor or anything of sorts. but it's not 'nothing' either. i have demyelinating disease which comes who knows where and can cause who knows what. i have the appointment with better neurologist at 25th june so i guess he'll tell me more. my doc said not to be worried, to be careful, to not catch flu/cold, etc.i read the report from MRI and there's nothing about causes, nothing really what it does/can do. geez. i read by myself and now i'm paranoid, feeling like my brain is slowly dying. but i guess it's not the case. and i finally have the answer to my constant moving/feeling/concentrating issues.

i'm not happy yet i'm glad it's smth light enough that i don't have to be hospitalised. today i realised how scared of a cancer i was. how fucking scared.

* i've tried to go on the balcony through the window in my room. i felt rebellious XD
* i'm losing weight, i'm happy! i decided to stop second hand shops hunt again. i'll collect what i've bought recently and take photos <3

TMI:
there are more and less enterprising people. i belong to the latter. i can't find my way, my place, do anything by myself. i need to be told, pointed and shown the way. i have many friends who went here, there, got this deal, that deal, managed to advance, sign up, etc, etc. i... nothing. i don't know where to look for opportunities and i have no idea where to find some directions as to where i should look for opportunities and... vicious cycle. so i sit on my ass, do nothing and just want. i don't know what i lack, some time ago i was the total opposite; always busy, doing million things. now... nothing. maybe the part of my brain responsible for this has already died *awful sarcasm*
/TMI.


btw, THE SONG I'M LISTENING TO!!!!!

i feel bad, disliked, lonely by choice. there's so much wrong with me and my way of living but i don't feel encouraged to change nor i can. my phobia of everything and nothing freezes me and disables to move. so i just stand, waiting. one year more.

thanks to koi i came to conclusion that it should be badou (badziątko) x haine this way. and, i need to write a fic of their FIRSTO TIMO. pure lemon. pfuuu~

[overflow of perful emotions (as in a romantic poem)]
lacuna coil - reverie is one of my 'memory' songs. i get shivers when listening to it, i'm overflowed with images of the past. i see night, smell summer night, i see the curtains moving gently. i'm again 15 yars old, full of my on, personal chaos of feelings. to this song i was reading fitz x fool tale, to this i as smoking while looking at the stars and thinking about distant valinor. to this song my worlds were created. oh gosh, i feel strange. nostalgia? i think i miss it. no, that's not it. it's like... trying to catch a butterfly when the memory if it still lingers on my fingers. it's close, almost here but never the real thing. ah.
[/owerflow]

i wish i'd feel less, be more flat. hurricanes of emotions kill me slowly.

ps. can something that gives you pleasure be still called "pain"? because, if it's pleasurable, then what pain is it? isn't pain, by definition, something "not nice"? i wonder.

i felt that i had an obligation to write something for the sole purpose of writing.

stupid, huh?

it's cause i have to go to lublin to check my head. rezonans głowy. i knew i'm wrong in the head, i knew...

just one word before i head out for tutoring:

HETALIA.

yeah, me too.

ENGLANDO-KUN YOU HETARE UKE YOU OH AND PORANDO MY DEAR NATION YOU OUGHTA STEEL SOME AND AND ITALY-CHAN YER CUTENESS KILLS FRANCE-NIISAMA YOU PEDO GO FOR IT OMG. AND JAPAN SMILE SMILEEEEE.

i blame my flist.

what is... i don't even know. there is this and that and even though i'm 21 years old i still feel confused, lost and childish. have i missed the right time to grow up by any chance? doesn't matter.

omg... i heard it before but without paying attention to lyrics. today i did. NO WORDS.

i downloaded it by chance, but deleted it. i like the melody but... if it was spanish then maybe, but (un)fortunately i understand english and no, i DO NOT WANT a song about... shit.

also, a small thing from my room, tehe! this one is a present for someone i bought years and years ago in my city's small art gallery. it's and angel made from natural materials. it caught my hat so much i didn't send it but hung on my wall, lol. and it's lovely ♥ and big, around 60cm!

"tapes" alanis morissette is a very autumn song. even thought, due to global warming, weather is fucked up and we don't have that wonderful autumns like 3-4 years ago, it's still this season and i have my most wanted melancholy. like today: when i was going back from uni at around 5pm it was already dark and there was super thick fog everywhere. wet crosswalks and roads, cars' lights, smell of rain, fog, walking alone listening to the music. ahh, i love this season regardless of everything!

time is slipping away from my fingers, getting myself together still doesn't work but it's not bad. yeah. uni is fun/boring/ridiculous, group at uni... i managed to blend again so i have people to hang out with even if girls left. hopefully i'm starting giving lessons (yes, with my level, lol) in november (please, oh please, don't change your minds!), i'm... trying to start relationship yet again (i never learn. but he seems nice?), house is still a mess, i plan my winter vacation... still same, still same.

fall passed without being golden ;_____;

and... fairy tail is LOVE ♥

geez, why am i so optimistic? no idea XD

AAAAAAAAND! i almost forgot. viewfinder. YEARGH! fei got some love finally! i had to wait for so long and stick to this stupid manga but it was worth <3

i want to take a nap but my cats have taken over my bed :( i don't like them ;__;

i'm so damn drunk at 23:32. who cares? i do not. mu kittens are running after each other, i can barely write tomorrow i have hamlet i dunno if i'll go. going to crash sleep. dreaming about abe-kun fucking with haruna. who cares. no tags. bleargh. tomorrow. will be hard. no changing typos. powinnam psać po polsku, ughrrrrrrrrh.

i should be closing my compy somewhere when i expect myself to be drunk ;__; what a shame. *rushes out to prepare for school*

meme stolen from perfectassassin:

( here to the WTHUTness XD )

me and my dad are masters of life. we forgot that it's 11. november today, national day of independence and ALL stores are closed. well, not all but to run around city and look for one...? but anyway, we're left with no food. no bread. rawr. so i'm eating rice, just rice. maybe i should add some ham to it? and dad found some frozen soup, lol. oh, the great we XD

*spam* i found money in my wallet! awesome feeling! XDD

is there any way to remove certain community from your FL without leaving the community? if so, HOW? *shines with LJ n00biness*

[edit]
thx god i don't like (if not HATE) shota. i also don't give a damn about fanarts/fanfics. and seems like my fandoms are pretty safe (?) all this lj!is!ebil!oh!noes thing doesn't concern me. if whole fandom moved to gj, sooner or later, same thing would happen there. illegal is illegal however we look at it. I LOVE ILLEGAL STUFF, btw.

also, damn. high school kids (so like 16-18 years old, right?) having sex is something BAD? i thought it's under 15 years old that's bad. omg, sorry i've had my first time while in junior high, i BROKE THE LAW. i get that six apart (or whatever their name is) is trying to be politically correct. but real life isn't. girls lose virginity in junior high, boys sometimes even earlier. you can stop illegal sexual content from internet but you can't stop it in real life, losers.

my fandoms are still safe, yay.

i'm drunk :D

LIFE IS SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL

nothing in my life happens aside from partying and trying to to drink myself to death. i fail so i come back.

well i might also note that i was close to raping my (female)friend 'cuz she was sly and asked me to stay at her place overnight. i boldly refused saying i'd make moves on her and she said she wouldn't mind. so i ran away and walked one of the most dangerous city areas around 1am with hope someone will violate me (yes, i was VERY drunk). but i didn't met even ONE person. i'm even unworthy to be violated, geez.

i've never said i'm smart ♥

someone take me out for a drink ;__; big group of people. everyone has hidden because of the rain *pouts* and i wanna party *pouts some more*

oh well. i still haven't written anything about last time... and it was, well... interesting.

*randomly opens webpages and sits bored*

EDIT: i've just realized how hard it is to be alone. not lonely, alone. my circle of friends has broken and divided as we finished high school. since i didn't go to normal HS but strange, evening one, i couldn't find any "pals" there. and my old ones are with their new ones. so they changed from friends to other friends and i changed from friends to no friends. it's not really that bad, just sometimes having noone to call is... sad. and getting friends isn't easy. i mean, you can't just go somewhere and pick them. you need some kind of relations; school, work, old buddies, family, etc. since i don't belong to any small society, it's hard. i need to change environment. ASAP. or i'll rot here.

i wonder: what if a professional actor playing intimate scene gets a hard on? he's just a human afterall (to be precise: a straight one and scene with a woman).

couldn't help but be bothered by it.